Where was this strange planet called Scunthorpe? Will we ever see its like again? I hope so, but I'm not so sure. /textbook bastard / spying on the dead/stinky fingers – a perpetually reoccurring dream featuring several members of the spider family and a very small effigy of that bloke from Scandinavia) / / sugar-coated fingers (kiss my rotting cheek before you go to bed) / flaccid criteria / parted the shit sea / reunited with the dead dogg / dead rapper’s dog / cryptic daddy / day-glo grandfather/the didgeridoo next door / ..and then he emptied his waste sack onto the clergyman’s best foot / we offloaded some frozen meats and then warmed our hands underneath the fatso / I never forgave my girlfriend for wiping ‘The Instant Automations’ cassettes / recorded voices of dead birds on cassettes/chucked a kylie and it never came back / Yakult Dogs / wildlife showers/a decade of duck hunting / gaunt and haunted / Chris with leper fingers/ a decade-long duck egg hunt/prison bible / stick your eyes on a bird’s thatch/I had to decide whether to give my grandmother the lavender toiletries set or the Royal Trux cassette gift pack / my dad is a werewolf / washing-up time for the boy whose fingers stink of vinegar / we knew we had entered the forbidden zone when our teeth started involuntarily chattering / the love-sick Jesus / your little crippled thumbs / bum addict / ginger fossils / Indian past-times / stick some candy up your bum/chewing on my bottom lip whilst waiting for the Wagner to commence/ catalogue babies/teens gawping at the skinny models / David Hatchet took my wife to the Cripple Club / bustards on the beach / the day I took my hat off and revealed my odd-shaped head / there were always more eggs on the lawn when I was a lad / stung by hope and desire / gorger’s morning / the fat Phil Oakley / who put that greasy piglet on the back seat of my BMW? / the village idiot worked it all out !! / futuristic morning / I didn’t expect my 3 year old nephew to be a massive fan of Nat King Cole’s drum and bass phase / Tom Mills is very unintelligent / god damned furry toes / my new girlfriend aspires to be an astronaut / walking through a brick wall/woke up one morning to find my bed full of egg shells / enormous bastard / waking up one morning to find they had removed all of the broken egg shells (my wife loves to eat eggs in bed) / I kicked off at 3am and didn’t finish until 3.02 am / the man who lived on eggs / I find myself waking up inside cages more often these days /I dismantled my bicycle and encouraged my small step-son to put it back together(he was not up tot the task, so I beat him with my handle bar) / bike riding around Africa with a young man who slightly resembles Tony Allsop / pleasuring yourself behind the bicycle shed / why does your father-in-law own two sheds, when one would suffice? / the neighbourhood biscuit (a big bag of delicious meat for you, son) / to amuse the kids, grandpa would often walk around the streets with a tea towel on his head and a small photo of Jesus attached to his lapel / Mervyn’s diaries vol. 02 – black chicken in the snow / inside my glove is a small woolly hand (I am the hospital priest, I am) / Trojan haircut / jam all over the left side of my dad’s face/cinema breath (and cinematic breath) / Father Acorn is not to be included included in the makeshift orgy / embalm the dead dog catcher/33 years of good sex