Wednesday, 25 March 2015


Here are the wedding photos, make of them what you will / the perpetual twitch / man in a sheepskin coat standing outisde of derelict buidling, smoking a hand-rolled cigarette / my teeth look like ancient what? / pompus angel / the last time I saw you, you looked like Adam Sandler / my motivation for joining the navy was my love of the uniform / I am spending my lunch break looking through a munitions catalogue instead of meeting my seventeen year old girlfriend / instead of sitting around looking like a sleeping potato, come over here and help me sort my stamp collection / stinky bum and Tubular Bells / your eyes are bigger than your bell end / tiger bread didn’t taste like I thought it would / Deborah eats a red apple whilst waiting for Johnathon to finish his sexy massage / my fingers aren’t what they used to be / caramel sunrise in 2002 / ‘Ostler’s Lost Weekend’ is one of my favoruite movies, shall we watch it in bed together? (I have a video cassette player in my bedroom) / Kitty Rain and Dead Birds / Newcastle is a pothole / Rainbows in the muck / squadron full of secret hangups / nunnery rules / a monk sits in his uncomfortable chair reading The Times sports pages (although he has only a minor interest in sports) / rainbow smelt like petrol / childish hangover / raning on my eyelids / talented baby ocopus / Queen’s BR is stuck in my gut / cooking pancakes before getting down to some sexual activity / hungover in the orchard / I apologise in advance for being tougher than your father / I wish my name was Tobin Sprout / I am the daughter of some famous Bangkok restaurant chain owner / orphaned godess / shameless secrets of Yuletide / I wish I could see you as your god does / a ton of bricks and slash or a mouthwatering glimpse at the shaman / some people have to work for a living, some people burp / Auden Massive / dishwasher music my old clothes / elbow cleaner / here come the inkjets / transmuted slowly for the benefit of Pastor Bob / transexual mute / the Slovakian army came to say ‘hi’ / Blue Caligula / modern and loose like a newborn / modern austerity estate / mortuary estate / I’m a newborn baby..make of that what you will / last will and testament of a flagrant nobody / bitch of a daughter / my friendly face and your twisted grin go together like treacle and cheese/If I had a boyfriend I would call him Paul / two lads ina field, getting pissed on White Horse cider / six reasons why I became a trucker / it is ‘cool’ to be seen with truckers in Japan / desk top catfish / my hollow-headed boyfriend / drug addict’s scrapbook / scrapbook mentality / new tribute to the soiled world / soiled cowboy shirt and brand new boots / I smelt the back of my oily fist and headed off down to the town square to git me some fried chicken / a sorrowful nut..what is this? / I made a tiny drumbeat feel insignificant / I made a guitar solo feel lonely / updated my trump ledger / I could make a sound with my hands that would make the crows feel unhappy / it’s Tuesday (perhaps) and Vadim Kolpakov has forgotten his lunch box / traffic indigestion /  met my new wife in the bottom of the fire eagle nest / a traffic report delivered in five languages/ Miss Bouvet taught me to play the finger pinao on one of her infrequent free afternoons / ten happy people on 24 hr shopping channel / part 2 – I kissed the back of a troll’s hairy hand / she laid her front paws on my lap and begged me to turn off the sports broadcast / was Father Krespi Hitler? /why do foreign girls wear better clothes than us? / found photographic eveidence of the existence of alien life forms in my mum’s biscuit tin / storage locker sex pin-up / came face-to-face with the time-travelling hipster (and couldn’t think of anything interesting to ask him) / bad boy sexual wrongs / bought my wife a gold necklace but what she really wanted was that Swiss watch what was found in a Chinese tomb / itched my theater tickets and gave gravy to my step mum’s daughter / do ducks have eyelids? / how do I stop the world from spinning quite so fast/I am writing a book focusing on truck-stop characters / the more I twtich my nose, the less stressed I feel / the day I bought a squirrel’s face / 

Monday, 9 March 2015

My Idea, My Soul Glue


Noel Fielding in love with 2015 like a baby in a bag of sugar / do gorillas have finger nails?

Beyonce and Jean Claude Van Damme are Americans

Tom Mills hates computers/ Mormon Slade (white apples in black forests)/persuaded Bonnie Prince Billy to star in my new motion picture (titled ‘I Shot Myself Last Week’) / I cured the hang- over my loping off his head/had a nice lunch with the baby killer / dirty dirty slippers/we like to dance around the decaying graveyard (with ‘Unknown Motel Orchestra* in our head phones) *why wasn’t they called that? / unknown motel  - harmless girlfriend / I levitated for Christ (whilst wearing a tiny red felt hat..the type you might see on a chimpanzee) / I drew a rough sketch of what I wanted my new bird to look like / 2. The Oxford Lips / put your phone back in your pouch and prepare to be slaughtered/drain baby / the day the scarecrows started moving about / the beautiful jaw-line / he left his filthy carpet slippers on the back of my mother’s truck / mother trucker going back to Kansas/peeping inside a bachelor’s mind / my mother-in-law admired the white skin of Tad Lancaster / underwater poetry club . / new members of the Biblical Meat Sega Master System Appreciation Club / dumb-down Arabs/German men change their socks by moonlight /friendly eggs/ on your tits (on..)/the surprisingly quiescent slappers of New Town (man in chestnut-coloured wig) / I am the blue-eyed baby of fried chicken outlet / kids with gloves / too daft to be a hero / we kissed the monkey that gave Hitler AIDS (erm..) / powdered dog / I wish I were a baby – flying through the pink sky /the best of Heartbeat / the dead man don’t make good vegan food /  I asked you to bring me my stuffed owl but instead you brought me a box of used ‘Spartan Dreggs’ cassettes (oh wipe my billy goat chin) / sleeveless men stubbing out cigarettes on clouds (Christened Gilbert) / ..we smoke some good stuff as, nearby, Wolf Howard rattles away at his tin kit / human stew / dead horse shat on the moon/shower of secrets (broken thumb blues) / the moon is partly covered in whale vomit (I love Biblical Meat web site) /  Billy Childish is walking around Basingstoke village in a Marks and Spencer’s pullover / I took off my jumper and laid next to the dying android / prats on the top deck / king of the dirt birds/invisible moustache / treasured tits / sat on the banquet table enjoying the fish heads and sweet potatoes / Billy Childish in a Marks and Spencer’s, buying mini chicken Kiev’s /I painted her milk white thighs a curious shade of yellow / daydreaming in vulgar city alley/ I met an original cowboy back in 2011 / my first taste of garlic butter/Kiev mandate/fascist badger / did that woman really just call cancer a prat? / Chubby neck-tie / The Sir John Hawkins Memorial Car park / back-door penis (car park joy) / vulgar malaise in 20th cent. Greece/black tie check, vulgar sooty puppet check, camel eyelids negative. / ‘Accidental Suicide’ is an acceptable name for a death metal group/ ‘ Jazzy Cancer’ / human shoes/ snotty-nosed Africans/donkey on the carpet /Christian adventure /please take my boyfriend out of that ill-fitting body-bag / strawberry-haired corpses make me smile/ memories of Kiev /  I got really embarrassed when my head fell to the floor / it is fashionable to smack a teenager / I don’t understand why anyone would want to change their name to Rocky Johnny / I sniff the decaying corpse of Napoleon /  my sister had a fear of babies dressed up to look like humans / sugar-fillings/dregs of the future/ why didn’t I think of the name ‘Johnny Nothing’ ? / twisting my mouth into the contorted features of a bum / Roy Rocket and Trigger-Happy James Bull-Diamond / fear of men in ill-fitting suits / biscuits on your sister’s lap / taking photos of the Coma Kids / glued on eyebrows and hat/ Alfie Suicide and the Lemming Babies 

My Subordinate's Telephone is Ringing