Wednesday, 23 December 2015
God made a fool of the devil today. i pushed an apple over the edge..it landed on the head of a bricklayer. a salted tooth, a gift from Zeus the heavens opened and we ran for cover. Jane and I we took you to the meadow we smoked some good shite and rode our cycles 'till dawn. the Frenchman picked his snout whilst whistling a tune we didn't recognize. Sheila is a wolf now
Tuesday, 22 December 2015
This is the best slime mother could get / rolling into a new age with tobacco, sheepskin coat and jazz rag / hospitalised cucumber / easy like a daffodil / caveman playground / burping into the face of the aristocracy / I removed my tank top and gave it to a bemused street poet / the tenth person to leave the train looked almost exactly like my third best friend in high school / we waited patiently for the chapman to leave town and never return / my three-year old nephew painted a lovely picture of a gorilla escaping from a zoo. / a talented pianist is lamenting the fact that he cannot abide the sound of the piano / why can’t Bess Amos spell? / your mother was a wicket-keeper / harmless dandruff / a ruffian, a slightly camp preacher and a hobo named Raymond / preaching to the curly-tongued / Dinosaur put-up / a penchant for arse / skinny gorilla / talented octopus / the fiery eyes of Jason Deuce / kids will play bingo / smoking a joint on the way home from your bat-mitzvah / angry young helicopter / ongoing tales of the undefeated chess hero / practicing your stance in front of a greasy spoon café window / I peeked into the bordello and felt a pleasant sensation of arousal / fat man wrestling a crocodile for fun / beefy young men are taking my mother home / I caught my wife smelling butterflies with German exchange students / I sang a song for a dwarf priest / a diminutive super-model is harassing my father in one of the busiest parts of Basingstoke / a tree fell into the road and crushed a turtle / a man smoked fags whilst whistling the theme tune to The Godfather Part 2 – who witnessed this and did they get any film footage? / I told you already, my feet are mine and mine alone / the wishing apple (cobbled-together veg) / capital punishment is so last century / killing the dreams of odd-job men / iron out the creases in your smock and come up to my sleeping quarters and clean off the dirty mark from my pyjamas / Marxist homecoming / traveller’s warts / peacock on the hour / I slept in a tram and woke up with a tooth missing / shiny Ppolish people / dermatology now! / a young Korean exchange student is whistling the theme tune to Emmerdale Farm sotto voce / I sat in a puddle of damp clowns and twistsed my nipples until they bled a little / the urine on your shoes looked like gilding on a soldier’s cape / if I had my own way I would go home South / a Glasgow strawberry is still a piece of fruit is it not? / if I fold my cardboard trousers once more they may crumble like cheap shop biscuits / I sked you nicely for a rise and all you did was watch your fifth hour of television without even bothering to turn your head / if you keep climing that ladder you may soon realise that the sky is not made of anything really / I encouraged my father’s boyfriend to switch off the TV and come over to give me a hug / if I were you I would be a jealous cowboy with the mind of a young child / a fragrant fart is not a proper fart / sometimes girls screw their eyes up at me and rasp loudly like an unruly builder / Lincolnshire is a county in which you can stand still for a long time without anyone bothering to ask you what the time is / I like Luke but I do not like his noisome ways / can we not cuddle up on the sofa and pretend it is a woman? / some ignorant fellows are loudly ignoring my beautiful attempt at street performance / we huddled together both to keep warm and because the friction caused us a carnal enjoyment which we failed to share with one another / I removed my small hat and placed it on the head of the African veterinary surgeon / shelled peanuts littered the graveyard / a scorpion is yawning..who has seen this before? / the skull of a famous TV presenter is on display in the museum which my uncle visited every day until he was incarcerated for displaying his nipples in public / some people in my village will never see a toad / an embarrassing silence ensued as we waited for the fun bus
Wednesday, 5 August 2015
Wesley Snipes posing for a fan's photograph in Sutton Bridge, proudly clutching the courgette given to him by a local greengrocer (who was also the aforementioned fan)
Story by Malcolm Shift 05 August 2015
Hollywood megastar Wesley Snipes (Blade 2, Demolition Man etc) paid a visit to the soon-to-be-demolished Bridge Hotel in Sutton Bridge at the weekend. Snipes was in Sutton Bridge to scout for locations for an upcoming action flick that he is to direct, write, produce and star in. Snipes spotted the derelict hotel and went to 'sniff it out' (his words) as a potential filming location. Whilst checking the hotel out Snipes was approached by a local greengrocer and action movie fan (who shall rename anonymous due to ongoing unrelated legal proceedings). The greengrocer asked if he could take a snap of Snipes (who was one of the greengrocer's favourite action movies stars in the 1980s). Before agreeing to the snap, Wesley asked if he could sample some produce from the greengrocer's van. Wesley chose a courgette and a carrot. He then proceeded to greedily guzzle down the carrot (he hadn't had any breakfast..just a couple of muesli bars and a packet of toffees). Before he could tear into the courgette (which Snipes stated that he was saving 'till last as it was his favourite vegetable) the greengrocer asked if Snipes would be willing to pose with the courgette. Snipes stated he would be delighted to and I think we can all agree that the resulting photograph was well worth the interjection.