Friday, 6 March 2015

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 kingdom of skinny people / it turned out to be an inopportune moment to get my hair quiffed /antique gristle / the pretty hate machine / time to test those knee caps / my mother waited patiently whilst I wiped the glue from my chin / look what God came up with /the old man with a wooden moustache / white man’s pickles / my uncle’s bottom lip is trembling like a jelly/ beards made of wood /would you like to see the dead bus driver now? /my dad uncovered some long-lost footage of ‘the dancing bones’ /the pilot shed his uniform before crashing the aeroplane / I am jealous of the prehensile tail of the common chimp/Pseudo Jesus Christ + the Echo Bandit / I wiped all of my ‘Echo and the Bunnymen’ cassettes to make room for my sister’s new group (which she will probably call ‘Sister Slush and the Arm Bandits’) /  hi hi Jesse Willett / a thumb nail sketch brought back to mind the Playful Muscle / golden nanny / the day my head fell off/spent some time feeding haricot beans to the lepers / Isaac on the moon/small plastic babies floating around Strasbourg city centre / I picked my nose in front of my new girlfriend’s parents (take me in, Big Poppa Joseph) / kestrel implants /modern sure-fire hit of 1983 / wake up Aunty jean (when the Lord rings my phone and asks me if he could borrow some sugar) / the sad eyed bastard / I took the dust sheet and covered up the mouldy old man (mamma knows best) / childish vituperation / bring me some more of that baked chicken / dark match daddy /I slowly became addicted to tainted meat (it has a curiously alluring flavour not found in fresh meats) / sometimes I wish I was not the ‘Sugar Man’ /  I tumbled down the church stair case and landed on a basket of fruit / I am from Modesto..via the planet ‘x’ / sugar-coated big daddy / tried to pull off his mask but it was really his face/ Elvis Hansen and the Dead Family/children who live inside paper bags / E.T. got too big for his moon boots / that was the most unsatisfactory shoe-shining I have ever received / took down my fresh pants/Jane Eyre and the Meat Kiosk / men from the meat kiosk/dance to the beast / my mum reminds me of that girl from ‘Echo Park’/Spielberg’s lament / the day we took off our toe nails to prove we were aliens (everyone knows the aliens do not have toe nails) / /  I thumbed a lift despite the fact that I had no thumbs / hernia flower /donkey jacket jazz has always been a favourite of mine (as opposed to dust jacket jazz, mother) / do you think it is permissible for me to take my home-made banjo to band camp? / I sighed upon being told that I had failed my eleven plus exam  /chain-link chicken / would you have gone out with me if I didn’t have AIDS? / no, mother..i am the payroll manager, not the jellyroll manager / away in a manger, no crib for a bed..Snoop Doggy Dog laid down his sweet head / my man wants to suck his sister-in-law’s is that cat hair in your beard? /the world is spinning round..isn’t it? / my brother-in-law insists he was abandoned on the moon back in ’09 / 1909 was a great year for being bent (according to my son-in-law)/my mother-in-law has an Aztec ruin in her back yard / I just spent £9.45 on Kerry Dixon’s debut LP (titled ’I am Kerry..I am’) / grumpy bearded men laying on train tracks (which may or may not be abandoned) / abandoned in space/grumpy pop / I took off my Spanish pullover and laid it across your hairy feet / warm in the space shuttle/ ‘I wish I could grow a beard’ (said the lady) /kitten pickle / do ghosts have finger nails? / do chimpanzees have toe nails? / my 14 year old boyfriend asked me ‘what’s English for ‘woof’?’ /  ten pence memories / battles with my forefinger/the day I found a small diamond stuck in the back of my girlfriend’s dad’s neck/ don’t be afraid of Saucer Boy / sometimes I wish God had never invented vegetables / we kept the baby silent with gee-gaws and strong drink / my mother now lives exclusively in an underground lair / I slipped out of my pyjamas and joined the supermodel in the Jacuzzi (I wrote this down before it actually happened-it was some kind of premonition) / premonition of the gods (chapter 1- the cat’s lips glisten in the meridian sun) / the kitten savoured every drop of his mother’s strawberry-flavoured titty milk / my sister-in-law is addicted to tit milk (fresh from the nipple, of course)/addicted to lobotomising my best friends / I just spotted David Byrne throwing acorns at a dying scuba-diver / sometimes I wish my girlfriend was a bit less on the cubby side.//men in sharp suits are hanging around outside my flat / ‘Jealous Fingers’ by William Womack is my 88th favourite song of all time / Mo Mo Ali and the ducks of peace / Laughing Boy and the dweebs /1. good English, bad teeth / good gums, small tits / I killed a man who looks like you  /to many Puff the Magic Dragons web sites on the internet (have trouble figuring out which one is official) / Aunty D, I think I just had sexual intercourse with a human man!! / my date turned out to be a young man with a cardboard head / my mum’s new boyfriend has a left hand which is oared in rather unsightly freckles/I met my 5th wife in the Museum of Lifeless Animals in Basingstoke / I have just finished writing a song called ‘the boy with the oblong head’ for inclusion my 17th LP titled ‘The man Who Forgot To Shave (Again)’/sometimes I find gorillas a bit over-bearing in their general demeanour.. know what I mean? / day Wolf became president / I’m turned-on by men with muscled toes / snorting dust in my grandma’s maisonette (by the sea)/my new past-time is taking photographs of prison babies / Cossi Fanni Tutti’s record should be filed away quickly before anyone notices it is in our possession / I asked The Albatross Kings lead singer to sign my tits for me / little tiny effigy of a hippo stored inside a matchbox (I discovered this in my great-grandfather’s spare bedroom) /  listening to door-mat music for ten hours straight/ oh you lucky kittens (mould on the moon) / fact of today – the moon is 60% covered in mould / a small man carrying a chicken is browsing the cassettes in Andy’s Records in Reading / Platteland Puss / the man who wore cerise trousers to his job as the relief  ambassador /  15 mins with motormouth was quite sufficient / Bunny Bustard and the Wimps of Basingstoke / he removed his expensive sun glasses to reveal two terrifying blood-shot eyes / I am reminded of the whistling bird I kept in my bedroom as a child / foraging for fruit in a very strange village (all the time feeling like I’m being watched) / I spotted a bird which I once called ‘my own bird’ / midnite fanny / I played my Motorhead LP for ten hours straight to annoy my mum’s girlfriend / Stoke is a town which I hope never to visit / stroke my girlfriend’s hot feet / I found my grandfather’s botany ledger stuck down the back of the sofa / wild eyes of the village moron/ my girlfriend has a surfeit of tampons / the incredible shrinking men of Israel/devoid of ideas and inspiration on first bus home /’at least it was a top-range prostitute’ / deformed by reality/Tupelo was a big disappointment / I washed my hands in the acid rain /hippo gloss / the oily discharge from a whale’s stomach / my chin looks good in the moonlight / the revenge of the Black Samoan /everybody working hard to keep those arseholes clean / I spoke to my mum on the phone and told her not to prepare any supper for me as I was out with a man who was much too old for me (breath of strife) / horny bus driver eating pretzels on his lunch break, reminiscing about all the sexy gals he had driven around in the morning / sometimes my mirror cracks and I am left top pick up the pieces (with a rubber gloved-hand) /  2 per cent of the ‘snow’ on your de-tuned TV set is radiation from tophet / island of skinny bigwigs/white noise for babies / goat’s head soup makes all the children happy (BG – gangster trippin’) / gangster trippin’ with thee whisky-addled gypsy / orchestra on the moon (modern stubble)/in Bangladesh it is considered bad luck to rest your thumb and forefinger on a gypsy’s snout / your perfume smells like cheese / Arab cat – the continuing adventures of.. / sometimes I cut off my hair and hand out strands to gullible tourist (who pay me 5 Euros for each strand) / everything makes more sense when you’re in the back of your lover’s van / sister of the hob-goblin / bastard in a basket / who swiped my chickens? / weekend Jesus / the man who lived for bananas and cream/ I traded in my ‘Crispy Ambulance’ cassettes for a job-lot of spicy mushrooms /the kinky subterfuge/ we presented the Croesus with a small plastic model of a donkey.  Upon receiving this effigy he broke down in tears (as it made him so very happy to receive such a beautiful gift) /  dad has got a gypsy stomach / sufferin’ with the Montezuma’s Revenge on last train home / this could be the ultimate pen  / Chinese man came dressed as Frank Sidebottom to my Christmas party (and who the f**** invited him anyway?) / / I dyed my moustaches red to blend in with the Irish crowd / that man who killed himself once again/autonomy of the gods / the morning ink /you don’t see too many obese junkies / I threw my soiled handkerchief at the nearest Chinaman / daddy were a milksop / the last days of big crime / little boys on the moon / a rare chance to sit and down and have a chat (and a cake) with Christ/horse-drawn maps / glorified walnuts/forced the elegy into my girlfriend’s cats gaping mouth  /Chinese dandruff / rediscovered footage of the Beatles getting, er..Beatles, haircuts/haunted by the ghost of the emu /living with an arse-bandit / sometimes my eyes involuntarily open,. Exposing me to the filthy decaying inner-city  // I just got into n insignificant fist fight with Son of Godbar / sometimes those karate chips rain down a little too powerfully /men who ear too much make-up and skulk around hospital corridors carrying small dogs (which are not permitted to be in the hospital) / hospital dogs (not on my watch) /  gorilla sin the bath tub / Saturday spastic inner memories/blind paedophile / fill your gloves with your mother’s sponge/more new from Planet Echo  /Bunny Maureen and the JU JU Orchestra (light shit) / Hatti Fatteners – changed my bath water / I left my first edition copy of the King James Bible on the back seat of my girlfriend’s dad’s Lamborghini / spoon-feeding boiled noodles to a dying sailor / my Elizabethan hard-on/surfeit of puss and other viscous substances/purple-headed reunion/the city chimps shall take care of your daughter / Jodie Bangkok takes care of the babies/mamma I been hanging around with one of them white-suited desert men / my mum has just revealed to me that she had an affair with ‘The Edge’ in ’82 / I slid off my thong to reveal a small pustule which I discovered at 4.58am / the white-suited devil men of/../you are required to wear a top hat upon entering tophet / Topcat in tophet (bad cat bad cat) / sign the slip bitch (Satanic house orchestra) / hangin' with the brainless children in 80s Corfu (hanging with the Bevan Boys in mid-50s Yorkshire village / I am unimpressed with your attempts at raping me / ‘Modern Heat Records’ 2014 release schedule January:- ‘Mushroom Sandwich’ by ‘Plastic Thong’; ‘Toothless Death’ by ‘The Naked Astronauts’ and ‘I am Not The Devil’ by ‘The Deformed Nubile’ / lucky death/my father always carries a little bag of insect’s teeth / I joined hands with skeleton baby/details of my sister’s war preparation routine / the silent scoundrel is living in my mind/home brew tasted better after being knocked unconscious/why is my fridge-freezer being opened by ten blonde children / Regiment 58 took the spaghetti / we served up green tea to the dying China-men / my girlfriend insisted I took her to the opera (luckily I managed to escape from this relationship before the opera took place) / I always ensure my finger nails are long when meeting up with my weird uncle (he likes them that way) / my uncle likes to see a lad with his fingernails polished / my uncle insists that I address him by his middle name at all times (his middle name is ‘Boris’) / Aryan reunion bomb / we discovered my small nana being persuaded to become a vegetarian by a rugby-playing grocer from Hammersmith / peeking through the locker room key hole/Christ is a bird / younger than salt donkey /European stanch / is Brad Chutney ‘hench’? /had a nice stay in Cornelius’ palace / the day your head fell off and toppled to the ground./ learning to piss/ abstract revival/ I spent Saturday afternoon taping over cassettes of significant cultural value/ learning to talk just like a tortoise / umbrella in my foot/Aimo Yoshima’s naked body / sitting on my face on a cool November morning (ah those cucumber mornings)/morning cat lovers/ Junior Boy in the Sludge (hanging with the bastards) / we hanged the dirty old lecherous scuba-diver / jilted angel / my mother insists on using roll-on-deodrant as opposed to sprays /  I took my hands off the teenager’s forehead at around the 15 min mark/  Tony Grin and the Happy Dads /spotty Jesus /opera donkey / loose jazz / Chinese teeth / I hate the fain√©ant /  I am Billy Bag Flower/ bag of animal skulls presented to me by a filthy-fingered teenager/ celebrity finger nails pull out / Chinese people on Mars / taking lunch with the deipnosophist/ the Gorilla Moth / Steven wants some teeth/groping titties with 100 per cent importunity / I unlocked the electric gates and let through the bulldozers/clockwork zombie/caramel rations /the daily cupid / otter’s chomp (Asimo's Naked Breakfast: Rice and Shine) / pickled honey monkey (hanging out with the Rain Babies)/we painted him quite accurately..but it was hard to capture his melting face so we just did a big red circle instead/candy bears / strict Dixon /modern trog / obstructed king /  my father fooled no one when claiming to be ‘Sugar Man’ / remember Sugar Wolf (are you 1988?) / bog modern (second(s)) / ‘Bog Shed’ are the 61st best group to come out of a small island on earth / my lucky Argonaut (TV presenter's teeth) / I keep skipping past track 3 as it reminds me of dead Chinese babies / a gram of earth for the babies/over the course of two days I constructed a running track in my back garden (list of deities I would like to develop  a love for) / I have only just been informed that the millionth senior citizen went missing last Wednesday / I took my pet goat and slaughtered him for the amusement of the angry teens/the king had probably had a skull-full when he said that UPC thing. / the day we took off our cream suits and replaced them with t-shirts what we had bought from the grime store / creamy nightmare /look at this wonderful piece of fish I got from Billingsgate Market / we replaced the teething babies with several hundred rain –soaked baboons / something reminds me of the smell of leather gloves dipped in seaman / I took off my chapeau and laid it on the floor/ I like a party with a vacuous atmosphere / daddy in the vacuum / vacuum-packed furniture – space rape  -talking to goats about their kids / French sisters turn me on / peacock dog (peacock juice) / Finnish gravy /book of dead stars (bank of dead stars) / gravy made me chubby / get your chubby fingers out of my girl’s fanny/ poppa was aghast to find a greasy young cowboy sitting on his daughter’s knee / I date a man who only eats fried victuals and drinks tea with nine or ten sugars / shut your peep holes and pretend I’m not here / non-existent death squad/  stylish re-entry / Lynchian spatchcock  / modern saliva / Modern Saliva Hoodoo Beat Group (sexually inept dogs) / small extant mammal released into wild / wild palms / y life above the butcher shop / ghosts of dogs of Sardinia / a duck called ‘Gilberto’ / Gilbertian babies – African steroids / duck ladder / trying to fit your fist into a way-too-small cavity / essential haemorrhage / several Scandinavian pot-0bellied hairy men are looking through my back-bedroom window / camouflaged corpse of a chimpanzee/ honorary leper / king of this morning / was my father a member of ‘the shocking pinks’? / my gypsy secret (secret dad) / handing out bootleg ‘island in the Sun’ cassettes to men with curly hair and glasses / street daughter (horse removal techniques) / Sanchez and the Hell Cat / I am dog king / eatin’ beef for breakfast / catalogued chimps – 1.3 / days spent humming and scratching in Basingstoke village / kings in the locker room / the ink-stained boiler suit of Bobby Sheen / I tricked Linda Basingstoke into coming in my bedroom  /Lenny Axminster tickled my chin last night / perfumed boil bag / Lynchian scrapbook (you know, girls with dust in their eyes and stuff) / I was aghast to fn d my new girlfriend in bed with my supposedly gay brother-in-law / oceans of goo (ocean of glue) / I decided to rename the new GV LP ‘Sometimes my Feet Tickle When I’m Alone at Nite’/don’t take your lover’s moustache away / keep your blinking eyes shut for a change, Martin / I held tight to my treasured copy of ‘Elvis’ Greatest Shit’ as the ship went down the stink hole/men with their fingers inside their brains /  men with two fingers stuck in my girlfriend’s vagina / my wife sat there mooing on the sofa/ Dirk Desmond and the really very fashionable French market traders / sometimes I wish my balls would stop itching/September suck inside / jazz fans with dirty eyeballs / there’s nothing simple about Shirley Collins’ voice / sometimes I float on blood-stained waters / discussing the disturbed dreams of English people / do dogs dream backwards? / piano tuna / donkey sludge / my son daubed the sentence ‘ loyalty is rare in prison and school’ on the back of his school text book / I won’t face Father Christmas with a hard-on / Yes African-American man, I can confirm that my trousers are made of cardboard / yellow jeans were a bad choice.. I knew the Aussie was gonna say that / pink tits (cock eye) / sometimes they sprinkle a tad too much sugar on the belly pork  /  / as we approached the city we noticed a small hillock with several hundred Japanese students throwing hard-boiled eggs at some abandoned typewriters / I slipped off my cassock and laid down on the bed (and was fed tofu by a very thin Korean nurse) / what is the world coming to when you’re not  even allowed to do anything illegal in the Former Soviet Union? /sweaty gorilla with make-up running down his face / I learned how to kiss a man from a Style Council LP cover/ Mike Talbot taught me all know about smoking medicinal herbs / I wanna be like men who hag outside betting shops clutching rabid-looking dogs / it is dinner time for the fascist pig / the classic sound of the Bram Stoker New Jazz Orchestra / I cried when I looked at a photo of your deformed elbow / the Dutch and I standing at the back of the concert hall pretending to be disinterested in the opening act (who are called ‘The Flaming Georgies;’ apparently) / you made my bum hole itch / Christmas 1983 was ruined by a distinct lack of professional-sounding punk rock LPS appearing ion my stocking (all I got was a copy of  the Phil Winston Trio’s LP ‘Hot Snatch’..and I don’t like prog-jazz) / homophobic wasp / perhaps I had better not style my hair in such a way that attracts men/Christmas 1987 was ruined by a distinct lack of Afro-Caribbean Punk Rock tapes in my stocking (all I got was a copy of Dutch Revenge’s LP ‘Put a  bit o’ sugar on the tip of  my lickle cock’..and I hate reggae music (like Morrissey)) / Dr Dom and the AIDS-ridden Eastenders actors / doom and gloom in council flat in the year 2020 (synthetic curtains, flowery wallpaper, and shagpile carpets ) / let my bones fall out of body  /sweat-drench toes/ my boyfriend’s latest tattoo depicts a small worm being pushed through the gaping hole in a schoolmaster’s fence / my affinity for the village idiot’s toe nails / smelly deathly horses / I dipped my fingers into the newspaper ink and encouraged my new girlfriend to lick them clean (to prove she liked me very much) / everywhere with bilo / junked eyeballs/fragrant death house / the day I did become a member of the Russian Smiths / antique pulse / I swapped my ‘Screaming Abdabs’ cassettes for some ‘Pink Floyd’ t shirts that had once been worn by some guru from India / junk tiara/an installation of quails / place the eggs on the mantle / I caught Nicky Quilt snogging my mum’s dog(who was called either Frances or Jessie) / Phil is a shit name for a spectre / dumb people from a country which is not India / customer’s who insist on a side order of metal shavings make me feel suspicious / took off my gloves and laid my damp hands all over your new wife’s bosom/Jessie, I do love you despite your crooked teeth / the King James machine / I was the inspiration for the cover-art of Radiohead’s 2016 EP ‘Sniffing glue on the way home from the stadium gig’ / I took off my gloves and laid my bare feet on the Japanese tourist’s breasts /Bangkok shit whistle / my naked Japanese friends / sun-dappled corpse / yes I am the plastic man walking around the Radiohead stage / kingdom of cum / my mother insists on wearing an over-sixed Mickey Mouse watch at official conclaves / grinning despite being tortured by a small China man / fidgeting donkey / guilt-ridden spastic / toilet troll / ‘I love the puffs’ declared the rotting teen / rotting veg left in the middle of the street / pipes of piss/ the man with a monkey face freaked out my kids/I spent most of Tuesday admiring Cat Man’s golden eyebrows / slave o the shithouse/emerging victorious from a hole in the ground / food for Junior / to let – troll (I swapped my  John Coltrane tape for a small singing sparrow / the boy in the hand-drawn Mickey Mouse vest was walking around (or should I say up and down) aisle 13 shouting ‘they put the eggs on the sofa, ma’ repeatedly 






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