Tuesday, 29 April 2014

Mr Burnt Pork Chop

Mr Burnt Pork Chop has spoken…something other than ‘that is why my pork chop is burnt’

The reclusive eccentric affectionately known as ‘Mr Burnt Pork Chop’ has been tracked down by an eager teenager!.  Mr Burnt Pork Chop first came to public attention when he took part in the TV quiz programme ‘The Weakest Link’.   Every time Mr Burnt Pork Chop was asked a question he would reply with the answer ‘that is why my pork chop is burnt’.  This brought Mr Burnt Pork Chop national notoriety.  Various media sources were eager to interview him, to find out what his weird quiz show appearance was all about.   Mr Burnt Pork Chop accepted many interview requests from various media sources.  However, his response to every question was ‘that is why my pork chop is burnt’.  He even made a brief appearance on the famous David Letterman American chat show.  His slot was cut short though, as Letterman became infuriated with his refusal to answer any questions with anything other than his famous catchphrase.   After five minutes of being rebuked Letterman gave Mr Burnt Pork Chop an ultimatium..'if you don’t answer this next question sensibly, I’ll make sure you never appear on TV again..anywhere in the world’ (it was said in a joking manner, but you could tell he was angry).  As is often the case with a one-trick pony, people soon grew tired of Mr Burnt Pork Chop.   Mr Burnt Pork Chop quickly vanished from public attention, and was never heard of again.  But two weeks ago he was contacted by a local teenager named Eric.  Eric and his friend Stuart were discussing the topic of ‘eccentric people from TV’.  This inevitably lead them to reminisce about Mr Burnt Pork Chop.  Eric decided he would attempt to track down the reclusive weirdo (despite not knowing his real name).  Eric spent over two years attempting to find Mr Burnt Pork Chop.  His research eventually lead him to a small town in the West Midlands (Mr Burnt Pork Chop did, of course, have a West Midlands accent).  He eventually found Mr Burnt Pork Chop residing above a kebab shop.   Mr Burnt Pork Chop was unrecognisable from his TV appearances, as he had a huge beard and wore a thick-brimmed fishing hat.  But, our hero Eric was diligent enough to recognise him.   Upon first confronting Mr Burnt Pork Chop, Eric was met with stony silenced and a nervous twitch.  After repeated attempts at conversation were made, Mr Burnt Pork Chop eventually acquiesced.  Eric tried to capture the conversation on tape, but Mr Burnt Pork Chop refused this request.  What now follows is Eric’s transcription of the conversation he had with Mr Burnt Pork Chop..
Me (Eric):- Thanks so much for agreeing to converse with me, Mr Burnt Pork Chop.
MBPC (Mr Burnt Pork Chop):-  Please do not call me that, my name is Peter Boyle.
Me (Eric):- Oh, like the American actor
Peter Boyle:- what?
Me (Eric):- He played ‘Wizard’ in ‘Taxi Driver’
Peter Boyle:- I don’t watch TV
Me (Eric):- Not watching TV is quite an eccentric thing to do
Peter Boyle:- is it?  well, I have never seen Taxi Driver. So stop talking about it.
Me (Eric):- ok, keep your shirt on.  So, the big question..why did you refuse to say anything except ‘that is why my pork chop is burnt’
-at this point Peter Boyle’s mobile phone rang.  He spent about 2 minutes talking in a whispered voice.
Peter Boyle:- sorry lad, I gotta go.  It’s an emergency.

And that was the last anyone ever heard of ‘Peter Boyle’.  Eric went back to his flat the following week, but Peter Boyle had moved out.  I doubt if anyone will bother to track him down again.

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