Tuesday, 29 April 2014

EMU Goblin

EMU Goblin Foods

                              EMU Goblin Newsletter Christmas 2013

Celebrate Christmas the EMU Goblin way with new EMU Goblin Liver and Onion Xmas Paste… Is your Xmas day carp dry and gritty?? Then simply add a generous helping of EMU Goblin Liver and Onion paste to your carp.. this will help to eradicate dry and grittiness from your carp dish.
EMU Goblin Bumper family jar of Liver and Onion Paste - £2.55
EMU Goblin Reduced Fat jar of Liver and Onion Paste (only 87 per cent fat in each jar) - £1.55

New for Christmas 2013.. EMU Goblin Individual Duck Pie.. are you alone this Xmas? Did your wife leave you? it doesn’t matter..you can still enjoy Xmas with the new Individual Duck Pie.. Convenient individual size.. just for YOU!  EMU Goblin EMU Goblin Individual Duck Pie contains no duck so is convenient also for lonely vegetarian.
EMU Goblin Individual Duck Pie - £1.55 each – 2 for £5.55

Improved  for Christmas 2013.. EMU Goblin EMU Grease.  Our world-famous EMU Grease now comes in an extra large tube..handy when you need a LOT of grease.  EMU grease is the creech of choice for many of Lithuania’s leading fry cooks.  If you don’t believe us, listen to what Ivanov Bilyanov of ‘Greasy Lithuania’ (Lithuania’s leading hamburger chain) said…’I always use EMU Grease when frying hamburgers.  If you took my EMU Grease away I would smash your face off with one fist’. 
EMU Goblin Bumper Tube of EMU Grease - £6.55

Want to give your kids a nutritious snack this Christmas (instead of all high-sugar traditional Lithuanian sweets such as Lung Candy and Dope Drops?). Then, why not give your children new EMU Goblin Frog Drops.  Frog Drops are manufactured from 100 per cent frog.. no additives.  We all know kids just love the taste of frog..so give them new EMU Goblin Frog Drops this Xmas.
EMU Goblin Tub of Frog Drops - £2.55 (2 percent extra free in every tub) + each tub comes with a free ivory figurine of EMU Goblin Frog Drops mascot ‘Fyodor Frog’.

Something for the kids this Christmas..new EMU Goblin Ox-Pop..a delicious fizzy drink flavoured with 100 per cent oxon..a traditional Lithuanian fizzy treat that all children will enjoy.  Available in regular and new extra sugar varieties.
EMU Goblin Ox-Pop Regular 300ml bottle £3.55 each
EMU Goblin Ox-Pop New Xtra Sugar 300ml bottle £7.55 each (comes with free test-at-home diabetes kit)

Why not try something a little different this Christmas? Obviously, we all enjoy Carp for Xmas dinner.  But, why not try something a little different this Xmas.  Obviously, we all enjoy Carp for Xmas dinner.  But, why not try something a little different this Xmas.   Obviously, we all enjoy Carp for Xmas dinner.  But, why not try something a little different this Xmas. .. New!.. EMU Goblin Crocodile Chops. A taste of Croc from the Eastern Bloc!  Many people do not realise that Lithuania is rife with crocodiles! But just look at the ladies shoes! Crocodiles were first introduced to the ponds of Lithuania in 1983.  Since then they have flourished.  Now you can enjoy the fine taste of crocodile meat direct from EMU Goblin.  EMU Goblin Crocodile Chops can be grilled, fried or deep-fried (for that battered croc taste.. one the kids will enjoy).
EMU Goblin Box of 8 Crocodile Chops - £4.55

Everyone loves Traditional Lithuanian white magic food.. so you are sure to love EMU Goblin Worry Bun.  EMU Goblin employs its very own white witch to cook the traditional Lithuanian snack ‘Worry Bun’.  It is common knowledge amongst us Lithuanians that, if you eat a Worry Bun, all your worries will disappear when you shit the Worry Bun out.  But please remember. .you must use EMU Goblin Soft Like Puppy Toilet Roll to wipe your arse.  If you use alternative brand, magic of Worry Bun will not work.
EMU Goblin Traditional Worry Bun - £6.55 each or three for £22.55
EMU Goblin Soft Like Puppy Toilet Roll - £7.55 for 4 metres of roll

Excellent Christmas gift idea for all boys.. EMU Goblin Knuckle Truck. EMU Goblin Knuckle Truck is a beautifully constructed edible truck filled with EMU Goblin Pig Knuckles.  Our Pig Knuckles are made from pigs that were born, raised and slaughtered on the EMU Goblin Farms in beautiful Lithuanian countryside.  Our pigs are most delicious as they are treated to a hand job every morning by our beautiful Lithuanian farm girls.  Our pigs are very happy so therefore the pig meat is delicious and tender (everyone knows the happier the animal, the juicer the flesh). 
Every boy child will love to find an EMU Goblin Knuckle Truck in his stocking this xmas.
EMU Goblin Knuckle Truck - £44.55 each

Need a quick snack after several vodkas this Xmas? Why not pop into your local Lithuanian store and pick up a tasty EMU Goblin Duck Neck Baguette..made from 71 per cent duck neck.  A choice of either Duck Neck ‘n’ Mayo or Duck Neck ‘n’ Salt.  If you are too drunk to chew, simply put a little EMU Grease on the baguette and let it slide right down your throat..like magic!!
EMU Goblin Duck Neck ‘n’ Mayo Baguette - £3.55 each
EMU Goblin Duck Neck ‘n’ Salt Baguette - £4.55 each (£5.55 without salt)

Want something that is both delicious and erotic this Christmas?  Then try new EMU Goblin Puss in Jelly or new EMU Goblin Cock in Jelly.  New EMU Goblin Puss in Jelly and new EMU Goblin Cock in Jelly are strawberry jellies made from an erotic mould.  They come in the shape of a woman’s vagina or a man’s cock.  These products are strictly not for children.
EMU Goblin Puss in Jelly - £16.55 each (comes with a free plastic spoon in the shape of a tit)
EMU Goblin Cock in Jelly - £18.55 each (comes with a free plastic spoon in the shape of a testicle)

If you get a little peckish this Christmas (maybe due to excessive vodka consumption), why not go for a packet of EMU Goblin Snake Babies.  Snake Babies are a delicious snake-flavoured savoury snack (not suitable for children).  They come in handy pocket-sized packets which you can keep in your pockets.  We Lithuanians often choke on nuts and die, so it is a good idea to keep a few packets of Snake Babies in your overall pockets when on the piss.
EMU Goblin Packet of Snake Babies - £0.55 per packet

For all Lithuanians.. new EMU Goblin Vobacco.  Wouldn’t it be nice to enjoy a roll-up and get the wonderful flavour of vodka?? Well, now you really can with new EMU Goblin Vobacco. EMU Goblin Vobacco is vodka-flavoured tobacco, handily packed in a pouch for your convenience.  Now you can roll your very own vodka fags in the comfort of your home or in a pub, bus, bus shelter, doss-house, whore-house, friend’s house etc.  Maybe even let the little ones try a drag or two..it is Xmas after all!!!
EMU Goblin pouch of EMU Goblin Vobacco - £7.55 per pouch

A festive option for everyone watching their weight this Christmas.. new EMU Goblin Cheek Bone Salad.  This Christmas, have you decided not to sit on a chair gobbling up fatty treats? In this case, you should try new EMU Goblin Cheek Bone Salad.  New EMU Goblin Cheek Bone Salad does not actually contain any cheek bone, so it is a very healthy choice.  The ‘Cheek Bone’ part of the name comes from the name of the man who invented the Cheek Bone Salad.  His name was Vladimir Dostoyevsky.  He was famous for 1. carrying a walrus cheek bone in his jacket pocket for good luck and 2. inventing the Cheek Bone Salad.  New EMU Goblin Cheek Bone Salad contains all your favourite salad vegetables..lettuce, tomato, pepper, onion and a sprinkling of Duck Dust (don’t know what this is?..ask your great grandmother).
EMU Goblin Cheek Bone Salad – (Large) £7.55 (Small) £7.55

You love canned tuna, right? Yes, of course you do.  As it is Christmas, why not try new EMU Goblin White Slade Xmas Limited Edition Tuna w/ Vodka.. Yes, instead of brine new EMU Goblin White Slade Xmas Limited Edition Tuna w/ Vodka contains beautiful vodka.  Now you can enjoy the taste of tuna and also get a bit pissed up.  A good combination for the festive period, we can all agree.
EMU Goblin White Slade Xmas Limited Edition Tuna w/ Vodka - £6.55 for a pack of 2 cans

Going for a long walk this Christmas? Then you need to purchase some EMU Goblin Ugly Boy Mix.   EMU Goblin Ugly Boy Mix contains everything you need to sustain yourself on a long walk (except vodka!!).  EMU Goblin Ugly Boy Mix is a mixture of nutritious nuts, eel droppings and cave diamonds.  EMU Goblin Ugly Boy Mix  was originally created for the Lithuanian Ugly Boy Group (a special group where ugly boys could find solace, they were famous for walking miles to find places where there were no other people, so nobody could see their shameful ugly faces.  The Ugly Mix was created so that they had a handy snack to sustain themselves on their epic walks).  Try it next time you go for that long walk, and why not take an extra bag for your woman!
EMU Goblin Ugly Boy Mix – £5.55 per bag (extra large bags will be available in September 2016).

Ever feel the need to get high but can’t find your gear?? EMU Goblin Daddy Rust is what you need. EMU Goblin Daddy Rust is a rust-coloured (hence the name) substance which, when swallowed, will give you a high similar to that obtained from good acid.  EMU Goblin Daddy Rust is only suitable for men.  Women should try EMU Goblin Mommy Rust (which will be available in October 2019.. just in time for the Winter Olympics).  Please exercise caution if taking EMU Goblin Daddy Rust whilst operating machinery or driving a tank.
EMU Goblin Daddy Rust (please see your local dealer for latest prices)
EMU Goblin Mommy Rust – Available in October 2019

Ever been in a situation where you need some gravy but none is available? I’m sure you have.  Well, you need to purchase an EMU Goblin Gravy Bag.  EMU Goblin Gravy Bag is a convenient bag of gravy which can be heated up at a moment’s notice.  Ideal for when you need gravy but you haven’t got any (for example..you are at your friend’s (or maybe girlfriend’s) house and you are served a piece of pork.  The pork is rather dry and needs lubricating.  What do you do?? You pull out your EMU Goblin Gravy Bag.  You ask your host to heat up the Gravy Bag and what you do is you pour that lovely gravy all over your dry piece of pork (and if you had the good sense to purchase two EMU Goblin Gravy Bags you could offer one to your host for his or her piece of dry meat))).
EMU Goblin Gravy Bag - £6.55 each (4 for £28.55)

For first time ever, EMU Goblin has introduced non-food product for our customer..
New EMU Goblin African Lego (not endorsed by Lego).  Learn to love the dark continent of Africa by encouraging your children to build shacks out of wonderful Lego.
EMU Goblin 100 piece African Lego set - £5.55 (including 10 pieces free)

We Lithuanians have always despised Polish people (Polacks).  This has made the traditional Lithuanian lunch snack ‘Polish Tongue’ very popular (as people believe that Polish Tongue is made from the tongue of a murdered Polack).  Here at EMU Goblin, we do not believe that anyone should be killed just for their tongue..it is wrong. No really, it probably is.  Many Lithuanian men now have Polish girlfriends, as Lithuanian girls can be fairly hard to crack (we as a country are justifiably proud of this fact, of course).    However, you can enjoy EMU Goblin Polish Tongue without worrying about upsetting your Polish bird.  New EMU Goblin Polish Tongue contains a mere 10 per cent actual Polack tongue. The rest of the product is made up of delicious Lithuanian cow tongue and apples.  New EMU Goblin Polish Tongue is delicious served on a bed of lettuce or on some potatoes.   Why not cut off a small piece for the child? (New EMU Goblin Polish Tongue is not suitable for babies).
EMU Goblin Polish Tongue - £4.55 per slice 

Do you love to eat meat? Of course you do. Why not try new EMU Goblin Jazz Pattie.  New EMU Goblin Jazz Pattie was inspired by the great American jazz trumpeter Dizzy Gillespie.  In 1953 Dizzy played a concert in Lithuania.  After the concert the fat-cheeked Dizzy was ravenous with hunger.  He asked for ‘a hamburger..and make that burger BIG AND JUICY’.  Dizzy had the ability to make his voice sound like a trumpet in milk..this got the waiter’s attention.  He relayed the order to the fry cook, and the fry cook created the ‘jazz patty’ in honour of Dizzy.  Dizzy loved this patty and took the recipe back to USA.  Unfortunately, Dizzy lost the recipe.  He had written it on the back of a fish and, as everyone knows, fish aren’t allowed on commercial airlines.  In the late 1980s EMU Goblin obtained the recipe for the ‘Jazz Pattie’.  After over 23 years of research we can now bring you new EMU Goblin Jazz Patties..something to taste this Christmas!
EMU Goblin Jazz Patties – box of 14 £11.55  box of 15 £18.55

For second time ever, EMU Goblin has introduced non-food product for our customer..
New EMU Goblin DVD range (in partnership with esteemed Lithuanian film production studio ‘Duck Rag Productions’).  Our DVDs provide excellent stocking-filler for the movie connoisseur in your family (please be aware that all of EMU Goblin DVDs are 18 certificates or over)…
Our range of DVDs include..
‘The Blow-Out’..an action adventure movie starring Vladimir Bankikov.  A man is driving his car and he gets a blow-out on his tyre.  He is stranded in the middle-of-nowhere in Lithuanian countryside and has to learn to hunt animals and kill people who might want to harm him etc.  Good movie for adults only – DVD £14.55 each
‘Duck Flask’ .. a really funny hit comedy starring Alexander Poovski (Lithuanian’s leading funny actor).  This funny movie is about a construction worker who keeps a duck in his flask. It is very funny slap-stick comedy film.  Contains explicit sex and violence. – DVD £16.55 each (comes with free ‘Duck in a Flask’ key-ring..just pay £4.55 postage and packaging).
‘The King of Violence’..action adventure movie starring Vladimir Bankikov.  This hit movie is about a man who considers himself to be ‘The King of Violence’.  He likes to go to zoos and beat up the hard animals (such as lions, tigers etc.) to prove how tough he is.  The movie features an exciting scene where the main character has a fight with an orang-utan whilst driving a fast sports car.. you will shit yourself with excitement. – DVD £18.55 each (this DVD features an extra bonus documentary which shows how not too many animals were actually killed during the making of this movie.. just to reassure you animal lovers out there).
‘James Bongo’..This funny movie lampoons the successful ‘James Bond’ series of British movies.  This movie is set in the United Kingdom..the funny plot of this movie is..it is time to cast a new James Bond.  The producers cast a good looking blue eyed white guy to play James Bond.  This is met with uproar from the British African community..they are demanding that a black man should be cast as James Bond for the first time.  To avoid controversy, the producers heed to these demands.. please allow us to introduce..James Bongo!  This is brilliantly funny Lithuanian comedy, set in Untied Kingdom. 
DVD - £22.55 each (comes with free cassette of  ‘James Bongo’ theme tune by Tone Loc)

Please Note- EMU Goblin is not currently on the internet.  We hired a boy to build a web-site for us.  Unfortunately, this boy was killed over a dispute in a snooker hall and was unable to complete the web-site.

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