'Peanut Jesus - Channel Y'
'Ten Tonne Tear Drops - Vocational Christ'
'Piss and Thumbs'
'Butter Clean Gut Tom Mills Kings Lynn'
'JuJu Man (Sissy Visage 3')
'I am in Love with the Ju Ju Man'
'Pussy Pussy Queen'
'Five Toothed Comb'
'Angels and Dragons and Twats'
kingdom of skinny people / it turned out to be an inopportune moment to get my hair quiffed /antique gristle / the pretty hate machine / time to test those knee caps / my mother waited patiently whilst I wiped the glue from my chin / look what God came up with /the old man with a wooden moustache / white man’s pickles / my uncle’s bottom lip is trembling like a jelly/ beards made of wood /would you like to see the dead bus driver now? /my dad uncovered some long-lost footage of ‘the dancing bones’ /the pilot shed his uniform before crashing the aeroplane / I am jealous of the prehensile tail of the common chimp/Pseudo Jesus Christ + the Echo Bandit / I wiped all of my ‘Echo and the Bunnymen’ cassettes to make room for my sister’s new group (which she will probably call ‘Sister Slush and the Arm Bandits’) / hi hi Jesse Willett / a thumb nail sketch brought back to mind the Playful Muscle / golden nanny / the day my head fell off/spent some time feeding haricot beans to the lepers / Isaac on the moon/small plastic babies floating around Strasbourg city centre / I picked my nose in front of my new girlfriend’s parents (take me in, Big Poppa Joseph) / kestrel implants /modern sure-fire hit of 1983 / wake up Aunty jean (when the Lord rings my phone and asks me if he could borrow some sugar) / the sad eyed bastard / I took the dust sheet and covered up the mouldy old man (mamma knows best) / childish vituperation / bring me some more of that baked chicken / dark match daddy /I slowly became addicted to tainted meat (it has a curiously alluring flavour not found in fresh meats) / sometimes I wish I was not the ‘Sugar Man’ / I tumbled down the church stair case and landed on a basket of fruit / I am from Modesto..via the planet ‘x’ / sugar-coated big daddy / tried to pull off his mask but it was really his face/ Elvis Hansen and the Dead Family/children who live inside paper bags / E.T. got too big for his moon boots / that was the most unsatisfactory shoe-shining I have ever received / took down my fresh pants/Jane Eyre and the Meat Kiosk / men from the meat kiosk/dance to the beast / my mum reminds me of that girl from ‘Echo Park’/Spielberg’s lament / the day we took off our toe nails to prove we were aliens (everyone knows the aliens do not have toe nails) / / I thumbed a lift despite the fact that I had no thumbs / hernia flower /donkey jacket jazz has always been a favourite of mine (as opposed to dust jacket jazz, mother) / do you think it is permissible for me to take my home-made banjo to band camp? / I sighed upon being told that I had failed my eleven plus exam /chain-link chicken / would you have gone out with me if I didn’t have AIDS? / no, mother..i am the payroll manager, not the jellyroll manager / away in a manger, no crib for a bed..Snoop Doggy Dog laid down his sweet head / my man wants to suck his sister-in-law’s is that cat hair in your beard? /the world is spinning round..isn’t it? / my brother-in-law insists he was abandoned on the moon back in ’09 / 1909 was a great year for being bent (according to my son-in-law)/my mother-in-law has an Aztec ruin in her back yard / I just spent £9.45 on Kerry Dixon’s debut LP (titled ’I am Kerry..I am’) / grumpy bearded men laying on train tracks (which may or may not be abandoned) / abandoned in space/grumpy pop / I took off my Spanish pullover and laid it across your hairy feet / warm in the space shuttle/ ‘I wish I could grow a beard’ (said the lady) /kitten pickle / do ghosts have finger nails? / do chimpanzees have toe nails? / my 14 year old boyfriend asked me ‘what’s English for ‘woof’?’ / ten pence memories / battles with my forefinger/the day I found a small diamond stuck in the back of my girlfriend’s dad’s neck/ don’t be afraid of Saucer Boy / sometimes I wish God had never invented vegetables / we kept the baby silent with gee-gaws and strong drink / my mother now lives exclusively in an underground lair / I slipped out of my pyjamas and joined the supermodel in the Jacuzzi (I wrote this down before it actually happened-it was some kind of premonition) / premonition of the gods (chapter 1- the cat’s lips glisten in the meridian sun) / the kitten savoured every drop of his mother’s strawberry-flavoured titty milk / my sister-in-law is addicted to tit milk (fresh from the nipple, of course)/addicted to lobotomising my best friends / I just spotted David Byrne throwing acorns at a dying scuba-diver / sometimes I wish my girlfriend was a bit less on the cubby side.//men in sharp suits are hanging around outside my flat / ‘Jealous Fingers’ by William Womack is my 88th favourite song of all time / Mo Mo Ali and the ducks of peace / Laughing Boy and the dweebs /1. good English, bad teeth / good gums, small tits / I killed a man who looks like you /to many Puff the Magic Dragons web sites on the internet (have trouble figuring out which one is official) / Aunty D, I think I just had sexual intercourse with a human man!! / my date turned out to be a young man with a cardboard head / my mum’s new boyfriend has a left hand which is oared in rather unsightly freckles/I met my 5th wife in the Museum of Lifeless Animals in Basingstoke / I have just finished writing a song called ‘the boy with the oblong head’ for inclusion my 17th LP titled ‘The man Who Forgot To Shave (Again)’/sometimes I find gorillas a bit over-bearing in their general demeanour.. know what I mean? / day Wolf became president / I’m turned-on by men with muscled toes / snorting dust in my grandma’s maisonette (by the sea)/my new past-time is taking photographs of prison babies / Cossi Fanni Tutti’s record should be filed away quickly before anyone notices it is in our possession / I asked The Albatross Kings lead singer to sign my tits for me / little tiny effigy of a hippo stored inside a matchbox (I discovered this in my great-grandfather’s spare bedroom) / listening to door-mat music for ten hours straight/ oh you lucky kittens (mould on the moon) / fact of today – the moon is 60% covered in mould / a small man carrying a chicken is browsing the cassettes in Andy’s Records in Reading / Platteland Puss / the man who wore cerise trousers to his job as the relief ambassador / 15 mins with motormouth was quite sufficient / Bunny Bustard and the Wimps of Basingstoke / he removed his expensive sun glasses to reveal two terrifying blood-shot eyes / I am reminded of the whistling bird I kept in my bedroom as a child / foraging for fruit in a very strange village (all the time feeling like I’m being watched) / I spotted a bird which I once called ‘my own bird’ / midnite fanny / I played my Motorhead LP for ten hours straight to annoy my mum’s girlfriend / Stoke is a town which I hope never to visit / stroke my girlfriend’s hot feet / I found my grandfather’s botany ledger stuck down the back of the sofa / wild eyes of the village moron/ my girlfriend has a surfeit of tampons / the incredible shrinking men of Israel/devoid of ideas and inspiration on first bus home /’at least it was a top-range prostitute’ / deformed by reality/Tupelo was a big disappointment / I washed my hands in the acid rain /hippo gloss / the oily discharge from a whale’s stomach / my chin looks good in the moonlight / the revenge of the Black Samoan /everybody working hard to keep those arseholes clean / I spoke to my mum on the phone and told her not to prepare any supper for me as I was out with a man who was much too old for me (breath of strife) / horny bus driver eating pretzels on his lunch break, reminiscing about all the sexy gals he had driven around in the morning / sometimes my mirror cracks and I am left top pick up the pieces (with a rubber gloved-hand) / 2 per cent of the ‘snow’ on your de-tuned TV set is radiation from tophet / island of skinny bigwigs/white noise for babies / goat’s head soup makes all the children happy (BG – gangster trippin’) / gangster trippin’ with thee whisky-addled gypsy / orchestra on the moon (modern stubble)/in Bangladesh it is considered bad luck to rest your thumb and forefinger on a gypsy’s snout / your perfume smells like cheese / Arab cat – the continuing adventures of.. / sometimes I cut off my hair and hand out strands to gullible tourist (who pay me 5 Euros for each strand) / everything makes more sense when you’re in the back of your lover’s van / sister of the hob-goblin / bastard in a basket / who swiped my chickens? / weekend Jesus / the man who lived for bananas and cream/ I traded in my ‘Crispy Ambulance’ cassettes for a job-lot of spicy mushrooms /the kinky subterfuge/ we presented the Croesus with a small plastic model of a donkey. Upon receiving this effigy he broke down in tears (as it made him so very happy to receive such a beautiful gift) / dad has got a gypsy stomach / sufferin’ with the Montezuma’s Revenge on last train home / this could be the ultimate pen / Chinese man came dressed as Frank Sidebottom to my Christmas party (and who the f**** invited him anyway?) / / I dyed my moustaches red to blend in with the Irish crowd / that man who killed himself once again/autonomy of the gods / the morning ink /you don’t see too many obese junkies / I threw my soiled handkerchief at the nearest Chinaman / daddy were a milksop / the last days of big crime / little boys on the moon / a rare chance to sit and down and have a chat (and a cake) with Christ/horse-drawn maps / glorified walnuts/forced the elegy into my girlfriend’s cats gaping mouth /Chinese dandruff / rediscovered footage of the Beatles getting, er..Beatles, haircuts/haunted by the ghost of the emu /living with an arse-bandit / sometimes my eyes involuntarily open,. Exposing me to the filthy decaying inner-city // I just got into n insignificant fist fight with Son of Godbar / sometimes those karate chips rain down a little too powerfully /men who ear too much make-up and skulk around hospital corridors carrying small dogs (which are not permitted to be in the hospital) / hospital dogs (not on my watch) / gorilla sin the bath tub / Saturday spastic inner memories/blind paedophile / fill your gloves with your mother’s sponge/more new from Planet Echo /Bunny Maureen and the JU JU Orchestra (light shit) / Hatti Fatteners – changed my bath water / I left my first edition copy of the King James Bible on the back seat of my girlfriend’s dad’s Lamborghini / spoon-feeding boiled noodles to a dying sailor / my Elizabethan hard-on/surfeit of puss and other viscous substances/purple-headed reunion/the city chimps shall take care of your daughter / Jodie Bangkok takes care of the babies/mamma I been hanging around with one of them white-suited desert men / my mum has just revealed to me that she had an affair with ‘The Edge’ in ’82 / I slid off my thong to reveal a small pustule which I discovered at 4.58am / the white-suited devil men of/../you are required to wear a top hat upon entering tophet / Topcat in tophet (bad cat bad cat) / sign the slip bitch (Satanic house orchestra) / hangin' with the brainless children in 80s Corfu (hanging with the Bevan Boys in mid-50s Yorkshire village / I am unimpressed with your attempts at raping me / ‘Modern Heat Records’ 2014 release schedule January:- ‘Mushroom Sandwich’ by ‘Plastic Thong’; ‘Toothless Death’ by ‘The Naked Astronauts’ and ‘I am Not The Devil’ by ‘The Deformed Nubile’ / lucky death/my father always carries a little bag of insect’s teeth / I joined hands with skeleton baby/details of my sister’s war preparation routine / the silent scoundrel is living in my mind/home brew tasted better after being knocked unconscious/why is my fridge-freezer being opened by ten blonde children / Regiment 58 took the spaghetti / we served up green tea to the dying China-men / my girlfriend insisted I took her to the opera (luckily I managed to escape from this relationship before the opera took place) / I always ensure my finger nails are long when meeting up with my weird uncle (he likes them that way) / my uncle likes to see a lad with his fingernails polished / my uncle insists that I address him by his middle name at all times (his middle name is ‘Boris’) / Aryan reunion bomb / we discovered my small nana being persuaded to become a vegetarian by a rugby-playing grocer from Hammersmith / peeking through the locker room key hole/Christ is a bird / younger than salt donkey /European stanch / is Brad Chutney ‘hench’? /had a nice stay in Cornelius’ palace / the day your head fell off and toppled to the ground./ learning to piss/ abstract revival/ I spent Saturday afternoon taping over cassettes of significant cultural value/ learning to talk just like a tortoise / umbrella in my foot/Aimo Yoshima’s naked body / sitting on my face on a cool November morning (ah those cucumber mornings)/morning cat lovers/ Junior Boy in the Sludge (hanging with the bastards) / we hanged the dirty old lecherous scuba-diver / jilted angel / my mother insists on using roll-on-deodrant as opposed to sprays / I took my hands off the teenager’s forehead at around the 15 min mark/ Tony Grin and the Happy Dads /spotty Jesus /opera donkey / loose jazz / Chinese teeth / I hate the fainéant / I am Billy Bag Flower/ bag of animal skulls presented to me by a filthy-fingered teenager/ celebrity finger nails pull out / Chinese people on Mars / taking lunch with the deipnosophist/ the Gorilla Moth / Steven wants some teeth/groping titties with 100 per cent importunity / I unlocked the electric gates and let through the bulldozers/clockwork zombie/caramel rations /the daily cupid / otter’s chomp (Asimo's Naked Breakfast: Rice and Shine) / pickled honey monkey (hanging out with the Rain Babies)/we painted him quite accurately..but it was hard to capture his melting face so we just did a big red circle instead/candy bears / strict Dixon /modern trog / obstructed king / my father fooled no one when claiming to be ‘Sugar Man’ / remember Sugar Wolf (are you 1988?) / bog modern (second(s)) / ‘Bog Shed’ are the 61st best group to come out of a small island on earth / my lucky Argonaut (TV presenter's teeth) / I keep skipping past track 3 as it reminds me of dead Chinese babies / a gram of earth for the babies/over the course of two days I constructed a running track in my back garden (list of deities I would like to develop a love for) / I have only just been informed that the millionth senior citizen went missing last Wednesday / I took my pet goat and slaughtered him for the amusement of the angry teens/the king had probably had a skull-full when he said that UPC thing. / the day we took off our cream suits and replaced them with t-shirts what we had bought from the grime store / creamy nightmare /look at this wonderful piece of fish I got from Billingsgate Market / we replaced the teething babies with several hundred rain –soaked baboons / something reminds me of the smell of leather gloves dipped in seaman / I took off my chapeau and laid it on the floor/ I like a party with a vacuous atmosphere / daddy in the vacuum / vacuum-packed furniture – space rape -talking to goats about their kids / French sisters turn me on / peacock dog (peacock juice) / Finnish gravy /book of dead stars (bank of dead stars) / gravy made me chubby / get your chubby fingers out of my girl’s fanny/ poppa was aghast to find a greasy young cowboy sitting on his daughter’s knee / I date a man who only eats fried victuals and drinks tea with nine or ten sugars / shut your peep holes and pretend I’m not here / non-existent death squad/ stylish re-entry / Lynchian spatchcock / modern saliva / Modern Saliva Hoodoo Beat Group (sexually inept dogs) / small extant mammal released into wild / wild palms / y life above the butcher shop / ghosts of dogs of Sardinia / a duck called ‘Gilberto’ / Gilbertian babies – African steroids / duck ladder / trying to fit your fist into a way-too-small cavity / essential haemorrhage / several Scandinavian pot-0bellied hairy men are looking through my back-bedroom window / camouflaged corpse of a chimpanzee/ honorary leper / king of this morning / was my father a member of ‘the shocking pinks’? / my gypsy secret (secret dad) / handing out bootleg ‘island in the Sun’ cassettes to men with curly hair and glasses / street daughter (horse removal techniques) / Sanchez and the Hell Cat / I am dog king / eatin’ beef for breakfast / catalogued chimps – 1.3 / days spent humming and scratching in Basingstoke village / kings in the locker room / the ink-stained boiler suit of Bobby Sheen / I tricked Linda Basingstoke into coming in my bedroom /Lenny Axminster tickled my chin last night / perfumed boil bag / Lynchian scrapbook (you know, girls with dust in their eyes and stuff) / I was aghast to fn d my new girlfriend in bed with my supposedly gay brother-in-law / oceans of goo (ocean of glue) / I decided to rename the new GV LP ‘Sometimes my Feet Tickle When I’m Alone at Nite’/don’t take your lover’s moustache away / keep your blinking eyes shut for a change, Martin / I held tight to my treasured copy of ‘Elvis’ Greatest Shit’ as the ship went down the stink hole/men with their fingers inside their brains / men with two fingers stuck in my girlfriend’s vagina / my wife sat there mooing on the sofa/ Dirk Desmond and the really very fashionable French market traders / sometimes I wish my balls would stop itching/September suck inside / jazz fans with dirty eyeballs / there’s nothing simple about Shirley Collins’ voice / sometimes I float on blood-stained waters / discussing the disturbed dreams of English people / do dogs dream backwards? / piano tuna / donkey sludge / my son daubed the sentence ‘ loyalty is rare in prison and school’ on the back of his school text book / I won’t face Father Christmas with a hard-on / Yes African-American man, I can confirm that my trousers are made of cardboard / yellow jeans were a bad choice.. I knew the Aussie was gonna say that / pink tits (cock eye) / sometimes they sprinkle a tad too much sugar on the belly pork / / as we approached the city we noticed a small hillock with several hundred Japanese students throwing hard-boiled eggs at some abandoned typewriters / I slipped off my cassock and laid down on the bed (and was fed tofu by a very thin Korean nurse) / what is the world coming to when you’re not even allowed to do anything illegal in the Former Soviet Union? /sweaty gorilla with make-up running down his face / I learned how to kiss a man from a Style Council LP cover/ Mike Talbot taught me all know about smoking medicinal herbs / I wanna be like men who hag outside betting shops clutching rabid-looking dogs / it is dinner time for the fascist pig / the classic sound of the Bram Stoker New Jazz Orchestra / I cried when I looked at a photo of your deformed elbow / the Dutch and I standing at the back of the concert hall pretending to be disinterested in the opening act (who are called ‘The Flaming Georgies;’ apparently) / you made my bum hole itch / Christmas 1983 was ruined by a distinct lack of professional-sounding punk rock LPS appearing ion my stocking (all I got was a copy of the Phil Winston Trio’s LP ‘Hot Snatch’..and I don’t like prog-jazz) / homophobic wasp / perhaps I had better not style my hair in such a way that attracts men/Christmas 1987 was ruined by a distinct lack of Afro-Caribbean Punk Rock tapes in my stocking (all I got was a copy of Dutch Revenge’s LP ‘Put a bit o’ sugar on the tip of my lickle cock’..and I hate reggae music (like Morrissey)) / Dr Dom and the AIDS-ridden Eastenders actors / doom and gloom in council flat in the year 2020 (synthetic curtains, flowery wallpaper, and shagpile carpets ) / let my bones fall out of body /sweat-drench toes/ my boyfriend’s latest tattoo depicts a small worm being pushed through the gaping hole in a schoolmaster’s fence / my affinity for the village idiot’s toe nails / smelly deathly horses / I dipped my fingers into the newspaper ink and encouraged my new girlfriend to lick them clean (to prove she liked me very much) / everywhere with bilo / junked eyeballs/fragrant death house / the day I did become a member of the Russian Smiths / antique pulse / I swapped my ‘Screaming Abdabs’ cassettes for some ‘Pink Floyd’ t shirts that had once been worn by some guru from India / junk tiara/an installation of quails / place the eggs on the mantle / I caught Nicky Quilt snogging my mum’s dog(who was called either Frances or Jessie) / Phil is a shit name for a spectre / dumb people from a country which is not India / customer’s who insist on a side order of metal shavings make me feel suspicious / took off my gloves and laid my damp hands all over your new wife’s bosom/Jessie, I do love you despite your crooked teeth / the King James machine / I was the inspiration for the cover-art of Radiohead’s 2016 EP ‘Sniffing glue on the way home from the stadium gig’ / I took off my gloves and laid my bare feet on the Japanese tourist’s breasts /Bangkok shit whistle / my naked Japanese friends / sun-dappled corpse / yes I am the plastic man walking around the Radiohead stage / kingdom of cum / my mother insists on wearing an over-sixed Mickey Mouse watch at official conclaves / grinning despite being tortured by a small China man / fidgeting donkey / guilt-ridden spastic / toilet troll / ‘I love the puffs’ declared the rotting teen / rotting veg left in the middle of the street / pipes of piss/ the man with a monkey face freaked out my kids/I spent most of Tuesday admiring Cat Man’s golden eyebrows / slave o the shithouse/emerging victorious from a hole in the ground / food for Junior / to let – troll (I swapped my John Coltrane tape for a small singing sparrow / the boy in the hand-drawn Mickey Mouse vest was walking around (or should I say up and down) aisle 13 shouting ‘they put the eggs on the sofa, ma’ repeatedly