Friday, 3 February 2012

you must be Arthur Brown

Someone kill that bald guy / day out in Pakistan
The day I first met Jesus Costello
A big fat piece of anger
We got no idea who the man in the black fedora is supposed to be / MWWBT – I would probably..oh hell I’m a monster I admit it
..oh well; at least we had a perfect day (Backwards planet – above the drug rehab clinic) / plastic erection
The ghost that couldn’t say no to little people / wipe away the ?/backpack jazz / invisible disposition / the erotic drill instructor / 
German men visiting their mothers and maintaining a very stern disposition throughout the visit
I reject you because your lips are too shiny (men dressed in fur) / running through the thickets with clogged nostrils
Life is not in the shops / a cross in your hand and your knickers around your ankles / jazz bastard / 
Spots of blood on the doormat / when I was a slag (and Barrymore was my lover) / Nisei come home
It seems a long time since every other citizen went down with the BNS / chucked off by big-eyed old lady
Pub landlord making rude facial gestures at a broken-down robot / slim whore
The day I decided to start wiping my arse with my left hand / I listenend to ‘Charlotte Forever’ six times before going to sleep
Bruce Springsteen was carrying a plastic bag full of cans of pop
Policeman getting thrown about by a big dragon / we put the Queen cassette on to help make him feel more calm
We spent most of our adult lifes trying to track down the reculsive astronaut
People who are interested in computers are usually not very intelligent / half-eaten children
Children are afraid of beards / The illustrated guide to harassing old people
I knocked the girl from her bike and promptly fell deeply in love with her / corpse on the corner (oneone)
Young people don’t ride their bikes anymore / this would appear to be an opportune moment to tell you that I am not gay
How do you say ‘I like to burn money’ in French? / Lock Smith up (in the dog rooms0
There is a rumour going around that your mother is a whore / most men are too short to look into her eyes
Filthy Episode Records Catalogue No. 01:-
Stabbed Forever - French Rejects
Salt of Christ – The Christ Wheel
Flags covered in Blood – Pencil Tic
Fat Samson – Blind Pickle
We never want to dance again – Rejected Slime
Moving species – The Glamorous Corpses
Sprained Ankle – The Butchers of Love
Box of water / night cycle
Cycling by candle light /  the broken-down fish
The experimental killer / chunky dust
We drew a picture of the house and all of its occupants / the graveyard turned invisible when we removed the dead leaves
We realised that this is a lovely world and we vowed to stop killing the innocent / the yahoo goblin
Pub rockers in the USSR / he remembered where he had left his briefcase whilst climbing into his bespoke coffin
Sandwich days / my newborn baby looks like Robert Earnshaw
I’m quite sure I left the corpse right over there, by that tree / Legmash and bag of sticks
The left-behind diaries of the Cat / cringing on the way home from cardigan market
Dead from behind / surreal boners (surreal bones)
I painted my teeth in readiness for the slumber party
Children laid out on mattresses getting ready for Knuckle Grinder III premier on Channel 09 / horse-drawn picture of a baby camel
Quit making faces at the nearly-dead old ladies (get back to school, your teacher is waiting for you)  / liquid picnic
 goth in the outdoor swimming pool / vulgar picnic
Tori is my love (R Amos) / Amos in Toy Town
Sometimes we float off like Air Babies / The Jazz Whisperer
The baby was still hungry so I broke off a piece of my crusty bread for him / Christmas Pistol
He insisted on having a stripey coffin
The jazz funeral / that baby tramp is so cute, but very dirty
We spent the evening making love to Charlie Sheen’s sisters whilst his brother watched
Mesmerised by pork scratching / addicted to ostrich gravy
We spent most of the weekend watching videos of French professional wrestling / we
Ancient video rental club (AVRC) / I was then confronted with mud bank. I put down my tools and climbed into mud
Me and the baby had a long and frank discussion about who should be responsible for looking after Egg Lady  / victimless lobotomy
The day we quit jotting down every utterance of Vincent Gallo
Vincent Gallo is my boyfriend / politically-incorrect finger puppets
Lightbulb music vol. 01 – the blues turn into black
Deserted by womaniser / Pocket Buck
Fostered by murderer
The bleak legend of Happy Children all living together / gays lost in the forest
He was twitiching like an animal by the roadside who isn’t quite dead
did u know:- Madonna used to employ a man to wipe away her tears when she would cry because of the gap in her teeth
German Tony / Hippo mass
Gentle touch of ghost / revenge of the Spaceman
Sailors suffering from post-nortical depression / caramel-coated switchblade
The big Welshman had a mental breakdown which resulted in him wiping his snout in public
Ice Boy got rude  / second hand gestures
Arthur Conan Doyle conceded his fourth goal of the day and decided not to write another Sherlock Holmes novel
Massive election farce / he was rather embarrassed about getting his jaw broken by the lead singer of Rolling Stones tribute band
Hand gestures of a flailing monkey / my new boyfriend has a similar build to Des Lynam
Medical aroma / the deformed Santa Clause (polishing satan’s claws)
I’ll still love me when noone else does (Pretty John – finally we (deleted word) (no)) / the calendar snack
The worst thing about December ending is that the calendar snacks stop / Moustache Moustache / Superman came out / 
No peeking at the tombstone, Erica / why are girls called Erica usually fat?
We gave the trombone player a birthday parade but he failed to show up as he had recently died
Died in week off / because I don’t have a girlfriend I do what I want; but what I want is a girlfriend
The man stopped writing to focus on the exciting TV game show / Let me see the Colts
The logical incision / lamenting the loss of plastic trousers in house fire
Pennies glued to the ceiling for absolutely no reason / Operation Wolf Boy
Half smiles of the decomposed (thank you (name of provider deleted by King Jesus))
Guided by Ideas above your station / violence underfoot
And end to making fun of people who didn’t make it to Iraq / wolf chinos
Buggered by the future kids / mumbling gangster being shown ‘round his father’s new girlfriend’s bedsit
Ermine will not say goodbye to you today / I don’t like the beef steward
10p disco trousers / little tiny animals that live inside other bigger animals
I kissed the girl on the knuckles and proceeded on down the never-ending road ./ rubber sideburns
Kiss me now – otherwise I will tell everyone you are not straight  / ABBA original
I accidentally shaved off my moustache and soon came tor realise that no girl would find me attractive now
 Ken’s eyes were so close together that it looked like he only had one eye / attractive corpse
Choco bone AKA choco boner
Leroy’s trousers were ‘overly-tight’ / the plastic baby melted in the fire; but we preferred it that way
Smiling ginger woman’s crooked ideas / how come you don’t get ghosts of black people?
Ghost opera  / when did Jim Jarmsuch get hit by lightning?
The day we left Ecuador (timeless biscuit) / ghost in the crisp packet
Silent eyelids  / ‘Fairy-Tale – a true story’
Nest of cars / Polaroid Bear
The clown had his face made up to look like a human face / temporary lobe
The Leeds Utd soccer pitch was covered with left-over frog corpses
We deliberately chopped off the onion farmer’s hands because we hate onion
Debra went to bed with no face on / casino bone
Forgotten entry (deleted by Holy Monkey) / but you can’t let him go to bed on his own
Men who don’t like women sitting together talking about dresses
The tears of a frowning corpse / Thor Out! (we don’t like blonde men)
Chapter one:- ‘we lived in troubled times.. we shaved off our afros’
Smelling like a corpse which has been left in the hot hot sun for several hours
The idiocy of ideas Part 01-02/ reading aloud  pre-World War II Japanese poetry on the way home from ‘Ring of Laughter’ premier
The myth of plastic agony
                                                   1. Rockabilly Pie 2. Moustache Gallery
I forgot to tell you my real name so I phoned you at 3am with a list of my favourite recipes (perhaps)
I lived for three years in an abandoned helicopter carcass
The video vote produced a result of :- ‘Karl Henry – 03 votes, John Jenkins – 02 votes’
He shaved off his moustache, and then he missed it so he drew a new moustache with pen
The dead baby appeared to be slowly floating around the school canteen
My nan took out her secret golden box and in it were several paintings of a dead man in the snow with a very tall man dressed all in yellow standing next to him
I (don’t) know how to float / ..and then we made love to the surviving members of ‘Pulp’
The golden floater / sheepdogs vs Lenny Bruce / he inserted some Dutch currency into his Roman bank account
We had the baby fitted with wheels so we didn’t have to carry him around anymore
NAM about town / his cardboard crucifix had gotten all soggy in the rain
Last night a rare species of camel walked into the local pizza parlour and demanded we shave off all his fur
The clean dream of the over-dosed poets / adjusted supper menu
Wide open in the afternoon (ready for the Rats)
I was convinced that Emerson Lock was my son / we changed the sad cats name to ‘Deborah Richardson III’
I logged onto an internet to try and ascertain what happened to Young’s Homegrown
I have no idea who Corn-fed baby is? / we opened the box to discover the only known photo of Jesus Christ
If aliens were real they would probably have really tiny heads / pregnant ninja
The baby left the bathroom light on to help him get to sleep (and dreamed of Teletubbies all nite long) / Black Munroe (X Man)
A baby which can look after itself perfectly well / a list of dogs whose names begin with the letter ‘x’ (ie X-Dawg)
Eye E Dog / sixteen febrile drunks getting horny in the Northern Chamber
Allison is happy and she is riding the ghost train tonight / I love it when my hands smell of petrol
Hat Creek (ET is calling, but we don’t care enough to take the call) / Yankie bodybuilders making love to each other at breakfast time
Yankie bodybuilders making love to each other at breakfast time (when they should be loading up on carbs)
The day care centre workers were getting rather hungry so we went and bought a big bag of walnuts
Afraid of men that look like Lords / space junkie..please delete before Randy Newman starts singing
Dennis Overbyte of the New York Times is coming to do a report on ‘The Last Garden in Buffalo
The remains of the frog’s dinner were strewn across the pretty graveyard
My visitor has left the house for a couple of hours so it’s time to listen to Man in Black Hat / itching pork
We gave the pork rations to the temporary grave digger / we shoved some peppermints into the corpse’s mouth
Hospital relics / death of a skeleton
Metal cheek geek / oblong ghost
Do you know my name, greasy school master? / baby bottleneck
Every night I dream of helicopters / I located Burl Ive’s locker and proceeded to cover it in photo’s of his ex-girlfriend
Behind the back garden- big sparkling tower / champagne teeth
Naked (but alive) in the bear’s garden / we discovered th sook with his fingers up the chicken’s nostrils
His jawbone was smashed into a thousand pieces, so we helped him glue it back together
We coated the corpse in relish and gave him to the cannibal tribe / skeleton death
Reduced to the status of ‘Deputy Choir Boy’ / the baby lamb was roughly the size of a corpse
Childhood secret (I am not child) / the singing corpse (Tra La La Death Orchestra)
 the day Barker reused to stay for dinner (even though we were having his favourite meal.. ‘spuds and pie’)
The gravy yard / the pretty graveyard
                                                                  Joe's Flesh
He walked into the hospital brazenly holding a bacon sandwich in his left paw / rebirth of Finger Mouse
Cat’s sandwich (look out of the window to see birth of summer) / the submerged machines
Cats in the gravy boat / the man who wore three tracksuit tops at the same time
Leather fingers all over my body; what is a boy to do? / Johnson Gilbert is a beautiful person
My father fell in love with the Primark Octopuss / pack me up and eat me
I took the dog down from the shelf and began stroking it. I soon relaised I looked like an effete idiot
We really do not care about all this useless ugliness
Captain’s chair anecdotal evidence part 01:- they have begun… (smile at me now) they have begun …(take off that sweater) enjoy each others companies
Developed by greedy infant / the melanoma smile / did Christ wear sideburns?
He sauntered into the doctor's surgery wearing a feather boa and knee-high boots
Graham's hard-on was glistening in the meridian sun
The life and breakfast eating habits of Secret Peter
Moaning old corpses…almost ready to fly off to grave
We took Gregory’s bones and arranged them on the carpet to look like little bone faces
I want to have love – I want my love to have me! / scoffing bones on the way home from my ex-husband’s debut performance
‘Killing of a Gerbil Part II’ / anorexia buckets
At 3am I welcomed in the bad teeth man. I sat him down and gave him what he wanted to get
Birth of Roland Rat Chapter 73 / one mans death is another mans rebirth
Rash on your forehead resembles Jesus.. let’s sell you off on E-Bay ™ / Italian handjob
King Jesus an/or secret Jesus
Randy teeth / golden dandruff
Talking about army trousers with the Gulf War veteran / filthy sandwich
I have an incredibly well-rounded mouth / Jazz Mountie and the Sunshine Retard
I met an American once / touched on the outside
Patriot’s bath-time
The men with lemonade in their mouths
We decided to abandon the tobacco farmer as he smelt of cigarettes
My juicy brains are spilling straight into your cute mouth
I quit loving my mother when she decided to become an electrician
Pardon? Did you just say ‘I want to be Jesus’?
I met my current lover backstage at the Pink Windmill Show
The doomed astronaut appreciation society (DAAS)
The day ‘Big Paco’ changed his name from ‘Secret Peter’ to ‘Big Paco’ and then to ‘Chubbs Reynolds’
Astronaut glancing at what he thought was an alien (but it turned out to be a flag with a bit of mould on it)
The lead singer from a ‘The Smiths’ covers band getting into a bare-knuckle fight with Burt Reynolds’ masseuse
I pulled up my left trouser leg and gave myself a tattoo saying ‘This my leg, do not touch it too much’
Elvis loves you, but not as much as his fave sandwich (Ingredients:- ‘Peanut Butter, Toffee Apples, Butter, Choc, Fried Chips, Beefburgers and a lil’ bit o’ dolly spunk)
She is wrong/right to reject my invitations and creeping around her house maybe put he off
I took off my Umbro ™ baseball cap and headed off to Monkey Isle / Dusseldorf coat
Getting attacked by one of those monkeys with a colourful jacksie
Dead before homecoming ceremony / the blind turnip (+ the pasty-faced astronaut)
How Ironic!—Roy Twigg does not actually own a tree
Village Heretic being chased around a statue of Jimmy Sommerville by a troupe of effete Morriss Miner drivers
I think that is Morriss the’s hard to tell as his face is covered in coal
My big faced Norfolk pal
Faeces brains / people that are interested in computers are usually rather unintelligent
Frozen in life / Dusseldorf anti-everything league
Ok, I have finished my dinner.. now I better go find that (Bleep) dog now
all the babies were where they should have been (lined up infront of the siamese  kitten parade
..and then we took a dump on the phoneshop carpet
It’s kind of a cross between ‘Revenge of the Massive Earwig’ and ‘TV Duxx’
‘no sir, I would not like to stroke your horse..i am far too busy alphabetising my collection of Stephen Speilberg video cassettes’
Television Zavala’s and the inbred waterhoggs / astronaut castle
If you glue it back together, they will come (probably) / erotic holocaust
Read out this bit in a Dutch accent, please… “hmm; I wonder if I’m still related to Eddie Cochrane?’ OK; let’s try that again.. “Hmm.. I wonder if I’m schtill related to Eddie Cochrane”.
The secret wishes of dying toad (he wants his face plastered all over the Toad News xmas special issue)
Waterhogg and Chunk Face decided not to go and see a movie as they were feeling rather tired
I felt really sorry for Superman when he lost all his magic power and got beaten up by a truck driver
Look at your own belly button for once in your life
Look at this—assorted balloon animals floating around the formely spooky graveyard
A nice little poem written by a dying bullfrog
Craig Wildfowl and the not-so-chubby American children (!) / African mattress
The sex athletes got into a whole lot of dirty activities when exposed to the novels of Alice Cooper-Reynolds
My creamy reunion / John and Yoko sitting on their living room couch talking about the different types of gravy that exist
Deborah was my second lover.. I’m still trying to remember the first one
He removed his stick-on moustache to reveal millions of tiny little holes with smoke coming outta them
Eagle has just landed..go fetch him some take-away
Muppet pointers / creamy dragon
I believe the ultimate folly was to build an igloo in the desert
Cough medicine was a placebo (it was actually a glass of water mixed together with some cuckoo spunk)
Michael Jackson’s face was actually a mask; his real face looked exactly like his ‘Bo Selecta’ character
My unofficial Euro 2012 thong quickly broke and I cried for the duration of aforementioned tournament
Every xmas I slip at least one cigarette and one cigarillo into the kiddies stockings (‘for a little treat’)
Your mother’s face reminds me of a drawing of Keith Chegwin that I did whilst waiting for my eight kid to be born
I don’t live in Xmas pretend TV station / hey look Poppa Hershey, it’s a black jack giraffe with stools fer feet
The demented sports minister introduced an edict that insisted all tennis players must wear afro hairstyles
Bent by success / casino ghosts (thanks R Edward)
I found my lover in the Penny Gaff exhibition / Oxfam dog
The make-up artist found it rather difficult to administer eyeliner to the chimp as it kept jiving about
The cage fighter boxer cries at the dead puppy floating above the boxing ring
Mercury-filled tears – removal chamber
We dusted off our moustaches and went down for first breakfast of the day
Australian jazz musician floating through the crowded city centre, with his trombone floating a couple of inches above his sweating head
Trying (in vain) to use more floral language when addressing the Queen of Toxeth (Russian Astronaut Reunion Party)
Out with (forgotten name) in with star / Matt or Laura? You choose..
His credit card was floating down the river and it was being used as a makeshift raft by a group of miniscule mermen
She will not float away if you hold her down with your big big hands / surrounded by living dead
Revival of cruel summer / Norwegian hobby (why are you wearing my shoes?) / man with a thick face is eating pickled walnuts in Northern Irish boozer / 
Pack up your bible and go and find a new lover(s)
We arranged the moon babies in order of the size of their heads
A flagrant disregard for the customs and traditions of the humanoid tribe
Twisted moustaches make me think of ‘home’ / bi-sexual portent
I think Victor Martin might be ‘good’ / falling in love with the strippergramme
In love with the gravel dogs / cardboard dreams
We will not make the mistake of shaving your beard ever again (balloon face)
‘’ ‘’ – this happens every time I am in your prescence / storm in the bathroom
Nearly everyone in my close circle of friends is gay / massive heads on little tiny bodies
I started to date a former ‘Big Brother’ TV contestant but I quickly came to realise that I didn’t actually fancy him very much
Mike TV is sucking too many lollies in one go.. he will not be able to respond to my questions in an intelligible manner
The unedited version of the pope’s address bored us to tears and we decided to stop watching it around the 4 hours 48 mins  mark
I loathe patriotism of any kind – i regard my British nationality as an accident of birth on a par with a cleft palate
Tart’s eyebrows / the legend of Pop-Up Johnny
The minging potentate / minging dynasty
Corridors have become destinations
A man in a shirt sitting talking but absolutely nobody can here the sucker
The arabs at nibbling his knuckles as the infant liquor poured all over the noon-day sand-dunes
Milkshake moustache (infant of America 1988)
Kissing rituals of dead and/or about-to-be-married royal family members
Royal corpse shot out of a cannon to advertise phones
Yanks with flat-tops getting all patriotic over some archaic footage of an American soldier shooting a Chinese person
The double-chin of Hattie Jacques was a great source of comfort to me when I were a lad
Johnny Caramel and the sad emperors of Dong Town
Millions of little babies floating past the cathedral (psuedo cathedral)
Don’t look into my sexy vase (it contains small effigies of my favourite divas) / ladies flow-chart
Let’s eat all of the left-over bones / cooked walrus
Peacock curry! / scab rope
The last days of James the Slithering corpse / Russian Jackson
My new hobbie baby / Bryn’s bible pals
Salivating over a portrait of the New Jesus / Kid Plastic sat on the café chair sucking his thumb and staring at the wall
I drew up a list of people who I know who are very or quite good at playing the banjo
The biggest rabbit I ever saw is sitting in my bath tub / Billy Name and the fat-wristed helicopter pilot
You don’t have to be gay to work in River Island
Slimey mattress / The Earl of Chicken Town was walking around wrapped in chicken skin and wearing a hat made of a chicken carcass
We sat by the river eating pastries and drinking vimto..but the serenity was quickly destroyed when a dead horse floated by and aked us if we could go and fetch him a hoss priest
Dirty linen covered the corpses face / the peccable PE teacher is puncturing all of the basketballs
I only date girls who have ‘Gilbert’s Syndrome’ (I like yellow girls)
Despite being over seven foot tall, Alan could not reach the top shelf in the basketball player’s locker room / homeless astronaut
Who is Deany?  (You don’t know garbo)
Electric prefect / Skinner’s new family tree
There is a ghost in my out-house / a most accomplished troll
Sugar poetry vol.02- - illustrious Rasta
Forgotten Rasta of New World cafeteria (my name is Si, mon)
The sparkly face of Mr Charlton / I got green liquor all over my congo frock
Regional teeth part 01- molers of Cleveland
Rustic spaniel (Let’s waltz) / gorgeous assortment
We walked into the hospital waiting room to find a half-eaten lasagne sitting on a white coffee table. we pondered eating the rest of it but after ten minutes of deliberation we decided not to eat it. Instead we went and hot some Revels from the vending machine / stunned by Elephant Woman / I left Team Billy to be the new presenter of the Cuban version of ‘Watchdog’
I woke up at 3am, looked out the window and saw what appeared to be Chad staring over the garden wall
I just Shot my pet corpse / do you remember the first animal you ever gave a kiss to?
Gorgeous rebel
Do you remember my name (here’s a ain’t Michael) / butterfly pipes
Hey Mickey, I just fell in love wi’ your mammy / he liked to wear tights on his head but he wasn’t a robber
We took down the flags, packed up the temporary carpets and headed off to see the Bearded Corpse
A half-eaten moustache lying by the side of the road (Noel just realised he was heavily influenced by a civil servant)

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