Friday, 17 February 2012

German Shandy

Cat wife / Wild Wild Wes
The man with two heads is staring at my daughters / Randy McGraw is friends with many people who were once on the TV
I met my future wife on the set of ‘The Red Skeleton Show’
The birth of Tonsil Kid / wor horse
He changed his name to Georgie Michael and made a new best friend out of Boris Ollifunk
Careful with that hot hot skeleton / wor donkey
1991 – dog machines in heaven / well-dressed vampire
Beef Steven / pudding hair bowl / Chinese pie crust (1920-21) / Chinese librarian / 
Empire of filth / Imagine my surprise when I opened up the hamper to find it contained a beautiful duck
The illustrious sexy vampire / modern handshake
Cooloongup girls are the nicest in Western Australia…discuss (but wait ‘till Matilda gits home from Bingo School)
Cranky toe surgeons / I painted my pants flesh-colour to look more naked
The well-dressed lunatic / Princess Jackie and the Leg Lumps
The moustache man was whispering nervously whilst hanging onto the back of the meat wagon
Clouds of future poison / the woman indicated she was ready to receive the rubber boys
Corpse in the tree house / Potato AIDS
War preparations (fold up your pyjamas, comb your hair and take the bone from out of your lunch box)
Carousel of hot sex!! / on the line – deep fried homecoming
I wrapped the baby in an African flag (specifically the flag of Niger) / bye bye potato head
Little baby Iron Boy / applying rougé lipstick to the Royal Baby
Australian people combing their hair with a plastic fork / spinal psychology
Medicine Man needs a hug right now / he had a quick shave in the African museum gents toilet
Addicted to pork pies / my favourite animal is a muppet
In love with the martinet / I found it hard to recite my poem as I had a mouthful of chicken
1987-88 corpse parade / the P.E. teacher neglected to inform us that his knees had been surgically removed
Buffalo shandy / German odour
Crystal manners / temporary alsation
The beard that just would not grow / is a duck a bird  without gills or a fish with a beak?
Elvis Presley 2001 homecoming / gob-rot
Aztec Hangover / ambitious corpse
The virgate fingers of Dr Oliver / a long tapering toe was inserted into the cavity until help arrived
Deep fry that sandwich before it passes my lips, boy
Its hard to tell the difference between Harry Potter and a real wizard
Cancerous bookcase / we repeatedly chanted ‘USA’ to make us feel more patriotic
Chemical hiccup / chemical belch
African cement / inoculated ghost
We made a makeshift home for the gerbil from an old pillbox hat
I think I will go and make friends with that there smiling hadji (blind fluff)
He resembled one of those American teenagers who shoot themselves in the face and survive
American Whitlow Organisation / The cat whisperer
Marc Bolan is stuck down my toilet (this would make sense if you lived in South East Asia with the Beautiful Boys)
Treasure Tripping on the Golden Sealion Trail
Do you not approve of my curly hair? / pink eclipse
Emoting in the whore house
Shaved by my best friend’s Humanities tutor / the man with no face (the man with a plastic face)
Dry out dead cat in noon-day Texan sun
Meridian sunshine dried out the corpse (Village of the Fainting Ostriches)
We fastened our seatbelts and headed on down the road (clasping our ornamental sun-dried tiger jaws)
That hairy keyboard / reminded of the sweet lament of the Jewish train driver
The teacher made me shave my head and tear up my text books / bent apparition
Benedict Jones can’t get no satisfaction from a Crunch Monkey
Slender Monkeys discovered on the tops of mountains (grinning at the sun)
We painted the sleeping king’s eyelids so as to look like eyes / Cyclops in short trousers
Black Mumbai village doctor / Peachy Hitman
Pot of crack
Barbed wire protected his beard from the sticky and curious hands of the New-Born infants
01 – fist of soap (we sat at the dinner table contemplating the beauty of the lambchop in front of us)
We opened the ornate tin to discover it was full of children’s tears
Cake of the week / Milk Man waving at stranded youngsters (wondering if he can rescue them with his motorized milk float)
Does milk float?
Milk Man of the week wins a dinner-date with TV star Lionel Blair (and a pre-dinner tap dance session)
The Yanks are happy eating their fried foodstuff and making themselves even fatter
Fat Chapman / Whitney Houston is my 31st favourite power ballad singer (Fats Erikkson is my 29th favourite)
I went away some time ago and I still haven’t come back
His fur was all matted and so we combed it and washed it before the boss-man came home
Blind child hiding behind a curtain / the twisted mind of frock-wearing sixth-former / tram yob
The door that must never be opened (for what is behind it will shock and sadden you)
Weaseltop and Body Gong come to see the Stars (Stars)
Hell’s kittens falling into the lake of heat (Pop Trump) / Boy Gong and George Flame mesmerised by the newborn kittens
Casper and Bodydog travelling to Toe Island (we made up a rhyme to help pass the time)
The selfish memories of Higson Baboon / we poured vodka sauce all over the corpse to make it more palatable
Gozu’s emotions / we inserted the babies one by one into the lion’s cave
The fat and swollen fists of defeated bear boxer
we sliced up the infants and handed out the individual portions to the hungry elders
the babies were floating on top of the dead sea so we weighted them down some more
Man called Tom sitting at the controls, trying to decided whether to kill ‘em or save ‘em
When the lights came on the blood stopped seeping out of the newly created baby
People that use computers are usually rather unintelligent
Computers covered in flies, puss, blood, lemon curd and little tiny shaved birds
The grinning infant acid troll / Tar Baby is addicted to looking at photos of Sarah McMillan
I don’t think I actually want to be a good person
I think I am evil…i kind of hop I am / terminal lampshade / talented scout / me and my eyebrow / 
The fog catcher – what a heap of BS, dude
Cock walrus / Daddy Dogflesh came to eat supper with the women and the boys from  the ‘Backlist’
The weirdo had cut out every story ever written about Imran Jones, and pasted them onto his living room wall
Belly full o’ pork / dogs out in the heat wave, licking at dried-out puddles
Tad Robinson went to see a movie; he didn’t like it so he walked out and went to see his purple-haired girlfriend
Familiar grunts of Barbarian / NYD Pulse
New York Doll chatting up a young scholar on the way home from the ‘Numan’s Oil’ promotional campaign recruitment drive
New baby in gloves
I dreamt of my girlfriend last night and she looked very different—she actually looked pretty! / surburban ape
If loving you is wrong, I had better date your sister instead
Mommy, I want my hair cut like Big O
Dalliances with a man called ‘Mr Belial’
I don’t want to love you, because I actually find your face very disagreeable (you make me feel ill)
My girlfriend is incredibly unattractive but she does make a good shepherds pie (I hate that pie, man)
boys what say ‘eek!’ when confronted by young girls
salivating over freshly-prepared lunch / forgotten sausage
Technicalities of nose-job
Flagellate the top-hat wearing slave master to give him ‘taste of own medicine’ (ha ha ha – Bromide Cult)
Her underwear was floating in the Dead Sea and could not be recovered
I met my new lover at the Evander Hollyfield School of Boxing
Put that girl back in the box, daddy-o / the heavy-set leopard
I like the boat clown / ‘your hair looks nice’, ‘but I’m a  bald person’
Rash on a gorilla’s forefinger
love story made by pig bbong movie (if you typed this into the search engine, I want to be your friend)
I am the friend of Copper Ringo
A group of hypermasculine men commence an umbrella sword fight after unintentionally scaring off a female passerby
This time I’m going to the top alone / beaten horse philosophies
Quick, set light to that corpse before Maria gets home / the electric dancing buffalo
The flowers which ruined a good day out / stained weasel trousers
Mondo Cane (happy face in your dream)
My happy wolf / watching a cassette of ‘Simon of the Desert’ with my ex-girlfriend’s eldest son (approx age 47)
Expressing yourself through poetry and obscure hand gestures
Felix and Matthews going to the cemetery with a bucket of popcorn
He spent his life on top of a pillar to try and get closer to God
Images of a dead duck
 I opened the flick-book and was confronted by a rather distasteful pen drawing of Peter Pan wearing a leather mini-skirt
Cock in the abattoir (peeking at the bejeweled pig carcasses)
The formerly handless man has his hand restored by Jesus, and immediately begins using his hand to slap an inquisitive child
Silvia Pinal agreeably loses that chunky pullover she always seems to be wearing /  me as a Catholic school girl
Spinal triumph / Johnny got his gun and, by God, he gonna use it tonight (Batman:- I am Potato Man)
he’s essentially a torso, an esophagus and a fully-functional phallus
dirty lies emanating from Bible studies class
the guns that make the bad boys die
surreal holocaust / God is the caretaker now
we inserted a lolly into the corpse’s mouth to make it more appealing to the children
cubist revolver
 as we sat waiting for the boss to have his foot transplant, we remembered that we had left the TV set on
we spent our early childhood years in the trenches making ‘pink’ films
Japanese have forgotten their ‘Pink’ movies / List candidate:- Tommy (M Scores again, wow!)
a cartoon chimpanzee laughing at the OAPs / Tommy’s gums (it’s me)
Eric Clapton is the preacher now (dog fingers)
Dog Finger hospital Gymnasium – troll prefect / swollen walrus
Horse teeth orchestra
The last rites were written on the back of a used glamour mag
We opened the toilet door to find a statue of Marilyn Monroe urinating into the bath tub
Columbine Monroe was edified by Preacher Pablo / edify the ghost warrior
Leather-clad doctors / taking tea and snacks with the living war god
Hospital jazz / watching Asian anti-war movies on xmas eve
Men licking awful porn / suicidal horse porn
Leave the internet switched off for a little while, King  / they saved Hitler’s vagina
how do i use noir orangutan pills
Teddy wears an orange romper suit so he looks like residents of Guatanamo (sic) Bay / Sick E Bay
On his morning stroll, a man sees dogs attacking a clown’s shoes and people with their faces covered by apples
1.        the leather pouch was filled with Christmas (Christian perhaps?) beans..   babies stood by, ready to eat the beans
gorilla faces! / the muffled cries of the babies indicated we were nearing the orphanage
Baby festival was a great source of joy for all the Internet Arabs
I will not make friends with the ghost of my ex-lover
The internet is a useful conduit for expressing love between skeleton and man disguised as clown / brave Asian
Fingers on all the buttons (asian cowboy) / cowboy eaten alive by a snake (cowboy hat, boots, shot gun…the lot!)
It wasn’t immoral to steal the sneakers from the corpse, as I gave them to an orphan
Jungle rockers, getting laid in the sticky morning / cunny lineage
Whitney Houston is to be buried in a glass coffin so all the mourners can take a look at her
Lynn Lynn Blunt speaking to me (insert cowboy festival headliners here)- over the sex (2009)
Outside the infant clinic is a massive baby tearing strips of flesh off passers-by
The glass coffin contained not only the corpse of Red Felix, but also his collection of dried goat innards.
My disturbed friend insists that The Teletubbies are mentioned (quite explicitly) in the New Testament
Stones in the bathroom (doing ‘bad’ things) / voodoo boner
over dependence on technology will eventually cause us to regress to a childlike state of consciousness
meeting the brand new cat / teasing the frightened fraggle
New World specimens collection 01 /  where is my George Michael at?
My new lover strongly resembles Whitney Houston
Making love to the Hispanic fitness freak was hard work, man
Beautiful ghost breasts / ghost breath is usually pretty cold
 Febrile girls smoking foreign cigarettes / disco glands
The left-handed referee was combing his hair with an old chicken bone / K Hole Surgery
The mute lads established an elaborate system of whistles to enable them to communicate with each other
My vibrating little dog / boys who are addicted to adventure
the cage fighter boxer cries at the Andrex puppy while Myra Hindley knits baby bootees
splashing through the cupboards / silver revenge
poofter’s wounds / burping turtle (FKA Croaking Jazz Trombonist)
there is still time to call up the Jazz Heads and ask them to play at my birthday bash
damp bandit / glamour rag
a small-headed man standing in front of a parade of chubby babies / dinner bitch
the the horse apocalypse / I went to bed with my lover and woke up next to an eight-fingered gypsy (living in a seldom-seen world)
daddy didn’t mean to steal the Irish mans nice beard / these sugar-coated little dogs
strung out for today on Bolivian smack
I found the modern smile to be rather inappropriate, taking into consideration what had just happened / Spam ™ Damage
Death of a weather bird / cocky young sailor eating a Pot Noodle ™
gum harvest / splashing out on silver moon boots (10 radios blasting out the same house tune)
we traded the maps for several crates of damaged tinned meats
emaciated wrestler lying pathetically in the middle of the ring / infant relic
we traded all of our possessions (fridge freezer / colour TV / computer) for a trip to Paradise Land
city of the lost corpses / corpse in bubble wrap
the corpse was only partially buried, and you could quite clearly see the top of its head poking out from the burial ground
buried alive..Mamma, Poppa..Chatting Wolf! Chatting Wolf! He came back
the Chattering Wolf does not say any words that are intelligible to a human being
God is on my left hand today / blood muppet
the perkily brown, handsome walnut formerly known as Melvyn Bragg
that is that is.. unsympathetic aeroplane pilot (you is all gonna die today) / bath time for gypsy
gypsy on the phone, but I do not understand what he is saying
if I ask you to kiss me, please look away immediately. I happen to get rather self-conscious when puckering my lips
I love to take a beautiful woman to bed and kiss her left foot (even if she also has a right foot)
B+W photo of a very tall seabird being sliced up by a mad kid
The three worst movies of all time:- 01. Bread and Butter for Benny 02. Stair Wars 2 03 Sit in the River, Sandy Dean
Curious case of Mutton Daniels
Dracula got cancer
Little tiny babies being knocked off the shelf by the flailing arms of the energetic kid
Prince Jazzbo’s daughter is sketching the moon again / German Fist
Rapper in  drag / the boys from Ipswich, UK
Cassette Worm / we got through the day with the help of some good Mexican speed
Policemen in drag usually look very beautiful / Ethiopian dandruff
In my dreams I sleep inside your belly
I am the uncle of Clock Doctor (Village People spasm)
I climbed inside your stomach and slept for a month
Only the holy know what it is like to be in love with Jesus Morrison
Rot away, lil’ corpse / ecstasy mail
We applied the emolument to the scabby baby – later on we went out for pie ‘n’ fries
George Michael’s sweaty pants are lying on the carriage floor
Drunk me a big pot o’ Ginger Oil
Tiny little baby riding a scooter to the play school
Damaged Anderson / Classics Volume 01 (Martha has had a Monkey Baby)
Sometimes the glow worms turn their light off to avoid detection / ‘show us yer hind legs’, shouted the randy builder
Norfolk boy smearing gravy on his upper lip  /Al Simons (local oracle) knows everything there is to know about everything
Locked in the TK Maxx changing rooms on Tuesday night
Frightened by the glowing apparition that appeared in my back yard / Nimrod’s first Christmas
Golden Simon floating above the diners; laughing at their extraordinarily poor taste
Xmas Dinner consisted of a few bones dipped in cream
Vic 25 (Eyes of Chatteris)
Beady eyes of Chatteris looking at your backside
It’s alright, I do look a bit like a monkey
Curly-haired merman (getting his locks all wet) / Obdurate Duran
I swear I just saw Baby Face chatting up an Antipodean teenager / hairy rain cloud
Disco or bistro? / get Britain bleeding
Kebab inclination / I spend up to five hours a day staring at the wall
Men called Barry usually hang around pool halls / do bricks sweat?
Baby Face got his nose broke at the retirement party punch-up
Roman nose job  / synthetic children at Plastic Disco
1870-1910.. Beware advancement of cerebral machine
Cuckoo ledger  /  hot skeleton jazz
Bowie is responsible for the credit crunch
Munch on a muppet / David Bowie inveneted the ‘moonwalk’
‘it’s not nice when people call you darling and that’, complained the bitter long-hair
Mancunian candidate / who wants to buy a pocket bible?; I only got 38 left
Mary Portas has just sold the last David Bowie in a fist fight doll
Crank out the Sludge-Jazz
01.      city effleurage seeping all over my blood red shoes
city gents being beaten up by ‘the punks’
we mailed the MC5 cassette off to our great-great nanna
02.      pericardium split
Dancing around my cell to the Elvis cover version of ‘Diamond Days’ (which he never did record)
Things taken from other people’s satchels (‘Chhese roll’, ‘toothpicks’, ‘hand-sized bible’)
The entire cast of ‘Rising Damp’ was killed whilst filming on locating in a burning church
I dream of Alice Glands nearly every night (keep me secret)
Hot hot skeleton key / pulling down Elson’s face
He attached his spare face before being shown to the Royal boys
Tad Lancaster walking around an abandoned airfield, looking down at his missing fingers
First I will do the washing up, and then we will sit down together and watch the ‘Buddha of Suburbia’ video
I was lost whilst looking for love in Skeleton Bazaar
A man dressed as a clown walking through the chutney factory / turquoise feathers (I am MD Bowie)
Corpsey Jones is not one of life’s big talkers
Whistling in the coffin. / deformed lothario
‘I know who we need to play David Bowie’.. ‘Pontius Pilate’ / Tudor-era boner
I finally got to see David Bowie live..but I didn’t actually see him as my view was obscured by a giant astronaut (how FS I am, gals)
Feasting on stomach acid (Bird Bird Bird)
Erotic sword-fight / Jareth the Goblin King is coming for tea tonight
…and then ten tiny tiny astronauts walked out of the steaming space shuttle and handed out some snacks
The heterodoxy pamphlets convinced us that we were all created by the invisible kids
ape lament
Junior Chapman is this weeks leading salesman.. buy him a chew toy
Or what? Weird hats are terrific
Thelonius Monk borrowed my grandfather’s teeth and never gave ‘em back
Monk Jam
As a youth, Tim Jung had a reputation for 'defiance and brawling'.
Carry me home- my hands hurt now
The search for one-eye Jimmy
I love to lick the membrane from freshly hatched eggs
We wrote the names of our fifteen favourite Ken Holmes movies and placed the list on top of the abandoned tea trolley
Jazz armistice / standing opposite an array of beautiful Lawn Dogs (family ham)
The dressing room floor was covered in Emmerson’s locks
People that are interested in computers are nearly always pretty unintelligent
The actor Peter Sampras is not a friend of mine; but I can arrange for you to meet him if you like
Computers make you feel ill / xmas pistols
Did you know:- David Bowie directed the movie called ‘Saturn’ / satisfying emiction
Batman is so spunky these days
Oh oh (Tuesday) love me future boy / nobody can convince me that I don’t love The Diamond Cat
We tickled his beard until he was ready for the Love Chamber
Glass Onion (Beatle Fist) Modern Cambridge Veg- this is my (your) future. Computers make you feel sick
Traffic stuckin ambulance- shave me, I feel horny
Abandoned sugar-coated words  litter the baby’s mind / this book smells like my former life
We excavated the grave and found that the corpse had been buried with his fave bong.
Movies made in the Modern Israeli Scratch ‘n’ Sniff Style.
As we walked past the beautiful coppice we spotted Animal Man snacking on the cadaver of a lumberjack
Don’t touch Royal Boy / we opened up the box of light and immediately fell into darkness
Biggie and Tupac reunion after-party
The blood seeped out of the cavity; we managed to stop it by sticking our fingers into the hole / speaking the sooth to the disbelieving youngster
Munching on Arab patties whislt watching a re-make of ‘Arms of Ganesh’
Sitting still for a whole day in Africa / he spilt his monkey juice all over the clergyman’s robes
A heartfelt tribute to Biscuit Boy
Nintendo on the brain / the blind weatherman
The Asian acrobats were far too small to defend themselves
Braver than a little boy attending his first jazz semesta / pink infant (AKA Pink Cuckoo)
Maybe I shouldn’t have played Mary my ‘Climate of Hunter’ LP on our second date
Jazz fur and / or Star Trek hair
Ostrich on the mattress / African Candy
Listening to ‘Claimte of Hunter’ whilst driving to Uncle Ja’s funeral
Uncle Ja loved to suck  on lemons after eating his supper. / breakfast beauties
Do you want that lung that you just shat out?
Liza Minelli was my babysitter when I was nine; I was the inspiration behind her portryal of ‘nine yr old boy’ in the hit film’Women are Children’
You really are a sand king, ain’t ya?
The day I  decided to maybe rename myself ‘Abraham Lincolnshire’
Abrahams the cat is so cute..he is my cat now!!
They dug up Ian Jenkinson’s (ha ha) corpse on my boyfriend’s allotment
Attached to the hair of Dorothy Perkin
Miniscule walrus got washed up on a huge beach on Chutney Island
Dissolved by frog acid (passive chops) / Mini school for little tiny infants that have the brain capacity of men
Dream of the Sugar Tiger
Tits on a ghost / are you still registered gay?
Desert breath / dessert breath
The newborn infant learnt to talk by the age of three weeks from excessive TV watching / harmless boner
Roland Rats was my best pal at sixth form college
Alive in the dead zone!!i once aid, during a tlevison conversation, that I was happy..and I was not lying
Bath full of dead folks / permanent teeth
My wizard eyes were too black / falling in love with the MRF (catchment area dead boys)
Customised coffin / this gnome is so ugly; I demand it is removed immediately
I once said, during a telephone conversation, that I was happy…and I was not lying!!
Doctor Frankenstein will see you now / ticklish android
His teeth fell out onto the pavement and were eaten by the tooth eating youngsters / farm hand job
Embarrassed by my father whom looks like / these jewels are apples
We threw monkey nuts all over Daniel Radcliffe’s grave / duluxe vampire
Country girls getting lost in big city / wind up the toy monkey and let it do its magic
Dudes must wear sunglasses (boiled in the morning) / donkey spank
Lego children are usually made before breakfast, Claudette
Roy, we know who you are now / Vinnie’s first jazz LP
That weird day when Bargain Booze started selling apples and Father Xmas went gay
Albatross in a heatwave (2008) / good African boys cleaning their teeth before bedtime
Eating sausage and tomato nosebags on the way home from the pufter exhibition
Fautly harness dumped in a stinky canal in Aldershot
I got a frog in my jacket pocket / too pretty to be a kitchen baby
Would you please sign this petition advocating the release of Simon Birdman? / disco gland
Dirty hands of fun fair worker / pussy cat ledger
Am I in a world made by your imagination alone?????? / country grumble
Heath Ledger petting his pussy cat whilst being painted by Ollie Winfrey’s personal portrait artist
Addicted to pop / WW1 facial hair appreciation society
Bathetic scholars sitting in bedsit with black + white TV permanently tuned to Channel 05 (what is ‘tuned’,  poppa Henrietta?)
I met a girl I really liked but I couldn’t get past the fact that she had a horn in the middle of her head
Unicorn on the side of the motorway (caused a pile-up)
He egressed from the crashed space shuttle and found himself in an environment that strongly resembled Cleethorpes
Jam sandwich was dropped from the 5th floor of the World Trade Centre, and landed on a Tibetan Monks baldy head
The shaven haven was glistening in the morning sun
We sprayed graffiti on the toilet wall in the World Trade read ‘we don’t like you, Yanks’
I stood on top of the World Trade Centre with the intention of seeing if I could fly (hmmmm…)
Bald head of Telly Savalas (the guy with a lolly in his gob) is glistening like a freshly produced sook.
We replaced Yul Bryner with Telly Savalas but it wasn’t the same
Monroe Hatter threw a dog cadaver from a 6th floor window in the World Trade Centre.. it landed on top of a stalled Nissan Micra
The baby that came out of the vagina whistling a show tune (I think it was from Les Mis)
Miss Les and the fetching octogenarians
Upon entering the World Trade Centre, the octogenarian was most perturbed to find that all of the lifts were out of order (his office was on the 88th floor)
Sex flashes.  / on-line elephant King
We replaced the hand job with a hand clap
Clapping the arrival of toast ‘n’ jam (with a little bit o’ butter)
We ran out of loo roll, but luckily their was a pile of Clive Barker horror books by the side of the bog
Bog roll wrapped around a semi-nude school mistress
Is there anything more unpleasant than a hot kennel?
Steaming dog poo on the side of the M4 (how did it get there?) / ‘my first erection’
Jed Eleven just tweeted the news that Whitney Houston has arrived in Humberside to open the new Electric Sports Bar Café
What the hell is up with this boy, nanna?
The internet is 98.04 % steaming horse poo
Eleven soldiers standing stock still in the middle of the deserted shopping centre
‘Can I have a biscuit’ enquired Johnny Rotten, ‘No’ replied Syd Barrett
Junior massive / putting coleslaw and candy beans on top of the corpse did not make it any less unpalatable
Making love to an internet troll
‘Let’s go troll bashing, father’..’no, Timothy..we shall not go troll bashing’.. ‘oh but father, it is my birthday’
We caught Junior pouring lemonade all over the corpse
Corpse wearing my bath robe
Yeah yeah hospital bones covered in chutney and candied beans - Strawberry fields/Long winged eels/Slither
Above the clouds:- dithering whilst I’m-a-waiting. Don’t come too soon-it’s ok.. I’m just slowly wasting away, maaan
I went to the fancy dress party as ‘Man in Dressing Gown’ from the hit movie ‘My Life in Three Miles’
Dinner for Robinson / you don’t have to tickle a monkey to make him come (out of the tree)
(Chinkie in the moonlight) AM Hit –‘I forgot to heat up my spoon’
Chinese traffic police (my sugar coated fist) is here
Apples for tits / she smeared blood and creech on her tits and headed into the club
The sugar-coated Yeti. / ding – dong mercy
We travelled to Lancaster, California only to find that the town had been moved some 65 miles away
Heading on down the Black Tube
We and me am Captain Beefheart (we both remember being born)
Talking to an Arab about The Smiths / this girl stinks of shower gel
I don’t care for sitting still during the porno show / farouche clown
Japanese men are, on the exterior, quite sullen..but on the inside they are little firecrackers
Fascinated by the Japanese Tramp / The USA Ape
Does your mother weigh more than a duck? / bike sick
depurative hand gestures / Alice is in the kebab house tring to sell fake Armani watches to drunk teens
losers ambitions / jewel in the clown (old people are hovering above the radio station HQ and are disrupting the radio signals)
miniscule babies (which are very nearly invisible to the naked eye) floating above the Mojave desert
why is Dead Killed man obsessed with 2004 baby
hey there Joey, do you mind if I accompany you on your trip to DR Congo?
Africa is my life / can I keep this beautiful deer skull? (School of knocked-up teens)
Her leather bonnet fell off and landed in a puddle of urchin urine / cat spanner
The bald eagle was fitted with a lovely bespoke afro toupe / Ford Mondeo clinic
The lost episodes / Boo Boo on the lash (lovely episodes possibly on E)
The rest of the time he would just sit at home and listen to rhythm and blues records, and scream at his mother to get him a Pepsi.
Go fetch me a hamburger before I die for the ninth time this week (possibly on E)
I ain’t no cat but I do got nine lives (and one of them is in the Banjo shop) / robotic hiccup
Pam Grease – overweight waitress waiting for Tom Waits to come and pick up her on his speedy BMX
Pam Grease – deleted by overnight modulator
Dirk Kuyt Bog Art / rest room art club
Fogey in the youth club
Youthful rats /they took off his fake foot and handed it back to the nursery
I pinned a photo of Coco on the ‘Missing Chimps’ notice board in the hope that someone would recognise him and tell me where on earth he is at / big bag o’ bad acid
Snow Cat in the sunshine
Bob on Acid today / ‘The Make Up’ reformed to play at my son’s 5th birthday party
if you want to be a different fish, you've got to jump out of the school
taking acid on the way home from Big Daddy Steven’s funeral
metal man has won his wings
‘ha ha’ was the only response I got when enquring if I could get me a hamburger right about now
My favourite movie of all time is ‘Captain Beefheart vs The Grunt People’ / gap year clunge
Who do you prefer?: Riggs or Murtagh? / freaky boner
Born alive.. / born to freak (born a freak?)
Been caught laughing at deaf children
I climbed up to the 29th floor of the World Trade Centre with the intention of jumping out the window; I then realised I had left the central heating on full whack
Memories of a dish of fools (lipstick on a goblin)
Ahh, what a beauty! It looks just like a big, fine beef heart
I ain’t gonna take my daughter up to see the Fish Man no more
Black Jack on the rack / walrus on the mattress
I met my future mother at the NYC bog art exhibition (NYC NYC - Dazed by gay furniture)
Strumming away the night with my boyfriend who looks a bit like Steve McQueen
I believe in you, Happy Jesus / Steven the Cat (stained the matt)
The eagle snatched the infant and took it to the nest and covered it in feathers to make it look like a bird
Lionel Blair was thrown out of the dancing competition as his orange face was deemed to be giving him an unfair advantage over the other competitors (it was thought that the judges would be drawn to his colourful cheeks)
Doomed passer-by / Betty Davies clinic
Chicago apes / observing the cowboys from afar (from the Cowboy Observation Booth)
Missing sausage / harmless sandwich
Boiled egg for every single meal / junior stubble
Buddah at the controls / muzzy kids at the window waiting for Jesus
Those lovely f’ing rockets / I am a poet who lives behind the fire
Moo moo buffet
Babies at the buffet table
I used to spend all my time coveting the girls in my school; but I soon came to the realisation that they were just mannequins and I was a baby who outgrew his play pen
Is it a hospital you want to be born in?
In 1953 it was established that prolonged use of the internet could lead to blindness or worse
A man from space is fondling and caressing my ball bag
Stevie Wonder was born in 1993 and in 1994 he was declared ‘an immortal’
Is India the same as when I left it?
He later claimed he had seen a girl in the audience turn into a fish, with bubbles coming from her mouth. / biblical honky
Of course, everythin’ he writes is based on ‘Bible Honky Part 02’[46] / biblical honky
Take me to USA, I wanna find my natural lover there (when bone became china in 2006)
A Tibetan Monk is DJing tonight and I believe he will be mainly playing rare Ghanian funk and industrial cottage cheese dub
He left his bubble shoes in the airport nightclub toilets
Sexual reach / mixed goodies
I ain’t never seen such a tall spectre
Amstrad cats / Kim the Yap
Used as a substitute for Splinter’s grave / cool pecker (hot pecker dipped in ice water)
Too gay for the gravy boys / second hand cheek bones
I’m gonna make a movie all about the making of ‘Trout Mask Replica 2’ by Don Gilbert and the Tepid Monks
I ain’t a cat.. I just look like one! / skeleton breath
Scorpion blush (I think imight be Radio Bitch) / temporary fish
Turned back into a dormouse (he took off his dunce’s hat to reveal a blank space where the top of his head should have been)
I can’t work out if I’m a genius or just a childish booby
I can’t abide old ladies who sing with their mouths open / there is a massive UFO hovering above my lover’s boudoir
Evil parts / teasing a German Kangaroo at 5 to midnight on a Monday night
The rocking bird and the primitive genius living together in simpatico
Duran Digressions –Cloned porn star / stand up to be discontinued
Yardie in Scotland / Cathy’s clone
The Jam are a pop group; jam is something one spreads on a flavourless corpse to make it taste better
I have never seen a man eat his burger so fast / American headache
Blind lino
Colourful headache
The creamy jubilation of Whipped Foam Saint / Poofter’s froth
I opened up by cracker box and was confronted with the face of Bob Dylan
Take a woman on the box, fall asleep on drugs; I gotta get me a name tag
I kept on pushing clouds, so as to see my baby alive..she used to be in a box; now she is the Queen of the Beehives
I gotta get me a woman who looks good on the outside / man with the woman head
I see a woman walking through the sky.. floating in the air like a balloon baby / liar’s moustache
Van Vliet claimed to have gone a year and half without sleeping. When asked how this was possible, he claimed to have only eaten fruit.[15]
Boy McGraw and the left-handed Ethiopians
There ain’t notjhin’ like a jam with Ornette to git you going in da morning
Life without death is a pain in the ass
Arbitrarily shooting at the Elton Johnson concert crowd
An illustrated guide to defeating the enemy within / gutter radish
He needed a study ruck-sack to put all his medication in / defeated from within
Dentist with rotten teeth
We hit a baby deer with our car so we pulled over, picked up the deer, put it in the boot and took it to the shaman (who ended up doing a remix of it)
They restored the models secret features and then went to sleep to, hopefully, dream of the Creamy Unicorn
Every time I pay all my wages to get laid I wish I were a fish in the water
I wish I didn’t need to take my pleasures through carnal pursuits.. it is so tiring!
Bubble-wrapped gods / Trojan cockles
I was on my way to work, but rather than being seated on the bus I was actually hovering above it like a crisp packet
The dirty fingers of Main Ape / glamorous children eating toadstools on Hidden Island
Queen of x-rated home movies is coming f’ dinner (deleted queen) / it all got transformed in the morning!
damaged corpse / that lovely car wash / he had a wash and promptly went to see the beautiful Goliath
God stopper
It’s the way she looked at me when dying in the bath tub / stomping all over God’s work
Mr Jackie ain’t my daddy / poppa with a new puppy
Nick Smith sitting on a wall outside his son’s school eating Jazz Beans / Big Baby is my magi
Colourful old people on the bus / the day I saw a very corpulent baby floating above the Eiffel Tower
Dirty old bibles littered the child’s bedroom floor / strangers with candy
Corporate slime basket
The tall man wih a yellow fedora filled the room with candy..laughing all the while
Embarrassed by my Spam-addicted grandma
Girls wrapped in cellophane was his bête noir / I met my future wife at the 33rd annual kissing contest
My first gift was a Christmas morning hand job
Eat your feet / you can tell I ain’t Egyptian coss I don’t bathe in honey
2 o’ clock dogs
This beautiful baby is about to float away, so take a photograph of it while you have the chance / slag match
I struggled to take the scholar seriously as he resembled a clown with no make-up on
Take off that skirt; you won’t be needing it no more
King’s Lynn is famous for two things:- being the birth-place of fictional TV charcter Alan Partridge and being full of straw-chomping hayseeds
‘I hear you have just published your autobiography’.. ‘what’s that about?’
Clown with human make-up on his face
This is I – he seems to be under the impression that clowns are not human beings
Triffid bean / a bubble-wrapped rat has been delivered to my lover’s bedsit (it may be from her husband)
I sat in the park feeding my cat, suddenly Mario Melchiot floated past wearing a fireman’s helmet and a nice PVC jerkin
Dead cats in the toy shop / salty dolly
We parted her lips and noticed that a small panda bear holding a piece of chalk had appeared in the cavity
The panda was lost in the zoo so we opened all the gates to let him run free
public cuckoo
mighty black man standing on top of the Tower of London
Hey, your girl looks like Michael Carroll (the fat man from Downham Market who won a million dollars)
Look at the monkey do tricks for the young lads  / Korean Onions

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